spiral

spiraling up. or down.

RED ALERT!

NO WATER!!!!!!!!!!!

SHUCKS. THIS IS TERRIBLE. ONE FULL DAY WITHOUT WATER. THIS PLACE SUCKS I TELL YOU. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. ONE WHOLE WEEK OF RE-ADAPTING TO LIFE HERE BUT IT'S NOT DOING ANY BETTER.

sigh.

yesterday was some teacher's day celebration in school.

i got a bag from the students under my mentor-mentee group. hmm.. ;)

gosh. i got so much work to do. yet i can't muster the strength and mood to anything. shucks big time.

:(

it's not fun. at all.

i tell you.

i can't stand the stupid stink bugs. they come in one big gang and attack my house... it's like.. they landed outside the windows and start to squeeze in through the crevices. oh my god. they are black in colour and they come with all kind of sizes, probably a big happy family.. extended to cousins and uncles and aunts.

and they land anywhere, on anything.

it's like probably the smell contains some substances. and i checked online, the liquid in the glands contains aldehyde. gosh. it smells terrible. and it registered and stuck in my brain. what the crap.

*excuse me for being drama*

stupid stink bugs.

i should start doing something about the stupid bugs instead of waiting for them to come every night. and i got all kinds of insect bites.

probably after some time, i might develop insectophobia and mysophobia.. shucks!

there are voices

And so this is the 3rd day of school.

cooking doesn't excite me anymore. it doesn't make me feel as happy as it used to be. probably because now i needed a higher dose of dopamine in my brain to give that kind of thrill and excitement.

probably i should play some aggressive badminton to stimulate the release of dopamine.

this is depressing.

do you think you are that good?who do you think you are?why do you want to leave?what's wrong with you?what are you going to say about the past 4 years?are you trying to run away?are you sure that's what you want to do?what if you're wrong?what if you are supposed to stay?why are you like that?why are you looking only at the bad times?no good times at all?

questions. and more questions in my mind.

it's like.. at one moment, i made up my mind on some things. and the next moment, i found myself swallowed up by a sea of questions.

and it keeps coming back.

***

Your grace is sufficient.

school.

you can find fungi in my house. from the kitchen to the bathroom to the fridge to the rice cooker to the whatever.

*roar*

tomorrow school starts. i have to get up early again. 11 weeks, jia!

i told you, i'm confused.

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

****

a crucial second half of the year. mentally. emotionally. spiritually.

3 weeks of holiday. talked to different people - people who played a part in shaping me into who i am today. i appreciated that. very much.

you're right. God doesn't want us to live like a slave. He is not a slave master who throws me into some far away land and watches me wading through the crap.

it's time to make things right and make up my mind.

and stop all the whateverlar-anythinglar-i don't care attitude. grrrrh.

the story about Life in LD continues tomorrow.

this is

indescribable.


i'm in such a confused state.
i'm sorry.

hello

you spin and spin and spin

such a whirlwind.

i am like ..

so sick of feeling sorry for myself and the darn place which i have to go back in less than a week's time.

the past two weeks was filled with dramas -- trying to figure out what is it that i really wanted; trying to make some tentative plans, hoping that will help me to survive the second half of the year.

some said i should wait and see.

some said i should be more impulsive.

i don't know.

****

For the 2nd half of the year...

1. do something about 4Z's Bio -- almost half of the class failed. probably will have to start a weekly tuition class.
2. do something about 3N and 3Z's Science -- none got A for the mid year exam and they are going to sit for PMR soon. probably should psycho them because they are plain lazy. sloths!
3. push the form 2 kids like mad in their Maths. And I shall not tolerate any brainless questions from them anymore. NO way. more exercises and more exercises. i don't care if you are drowned in a sea of math questions.
4. settle the innovative and creative project by end of July.
5. settle the loan.
6. find out more about the neuro(with/without Edu) stuff.
7. continue with the basketball training.
8. cook more.
9. do something about the stupid house.
10. LOOKING FORWARD TO MY HOME-COMING IN SEPTEMBER!

What a long list!

i will be pretty busy once the school reopens. key in the marks. evaluate the innovative and creative projects submitted by students and give ideas to improve. sigh. i don't like that. prepare for the soon-to-come in-house presentation of the biology department. shucks like mad.

i am going back to that side of my world so that i can come back to this side of my world!

the drama continues!

let me *tak tahu malu* show you the *critical* condition of that place

this is the toilet in my flat. the water heater is not working any more. don't even dare to try using it because i don't want to get electrocuted. check out the plastic bag up there...

can you see a huge spider on the plastic bag?

i don't know who fixed the plastic bag there but it has started to leak..

drip.. drip.. drip.. drip..

i forgot to take a pic of the pail and the cardboard wrapped in a plastic bag.

the pail is to collect the water.. and the cardboard serves as a shield.

sigh.

so much of interesting stories, kan?

drama queen.

numbered.

you count the days.
you count the weeks.
you count the years.
you wait.
and wait.
and wait.

'secrets'

i wonder what people will think of me if i really ..... yes, i am driven by what people think of me, to a certain extend, even though nowadays i always say that i don't really care. whatever.

i am not in my right mind. maybe because i am right-handed and therefore left brain dominant.
what the crap. i am talking nonsense.

i am being too rational and i think too much. and because of this gift, i am always afraid to take risks. and therefore cutting off my spontaneity.

i hate food poisoning.

i don't want to give up so soon but i don't know how to carry on.

we are all drama queens.

and i miss you. you were in my dreams.

the point.

i have reached a point where i am trying to figure out how the heck am i going to continue my life in that place.

i am kind of getting sick of that place. sick of that job. sick of living that kind of life.

like i told you, i don't think i can do what i wanted to do or be what i wanted to be.

half a year doing that job in that place has really pushed me to the cliff and i don't know how to move on - to jump and die together with the students and the whole system, or to retreat and get out from that place and do what i am really interested in...

and stop being the shadow of someone else's life, doing things i thought i could do.

people kept asking me about life in that place, whether i have gotten used to life there or not... i know they meant well but in my heart, i really wanted to tell them straight at their face - please stop asking me that question because life there sucks and you know nothing about that place and i don't want to repeat the terrible tale about that freaking place. i am angry, i am pissed off and this feelings is amplified many fold when i see how awesome life is back at this side of my world. period.

ah, come on!

i want out

sometimes i just don't care.