So long, fare thee well

There’s so much to say. 

I know you are in a better place, where you are no longer restricted by the disease. That you have been set free from it, and regained the life you had 5 years ago. 

But I don’t know how this is going to heal.. How to reconcile with the fact that we won’t get to talk anymore, won’t get to do crazy things together anymore, won’t get to go for trips .. won’t get to do some amazing photography stuff together.. 

Every time I thought of you, I felt so much pain inside of me. It’s just too hard to let you go. 

I should have told you earlier that I am really very proud of you, for standing strong and fighting til the end. You have fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith. You deserve the rest which only God can give. 

“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day..” 2 Tim 4:6-9

I really miss you. 

what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

one year and eight months.

Agnes Keith House in Sandakan.

In the end I learned that it isn't the outward circumstances which determines what one can endure, but something in oneself which either breaks, or stays intact, under strain. It isn't the difference in strain, it's the difference in tensile strength of people.

Agnes Newton Keith, Three Came Home,

pg 61-62

***

stress is building up.

and frustration is setting in.

i realised this change in me, that i couldn't express myself in words like how i used to do. not that i am very good at that, to start with. so whatever little that kind of ability i had, i'm now having even less.

Reading Three Came Home is like creating for myself another world. Diving into that world and see how they struggled through days of internment during WWII makes my THM life here seems like a trivial problem.

i wonder how they survived those days.

mine is kacang-putih in comparison to theirs.

yet, i also wonder how i survived one year and eight months, and still counting.

the tests on my tensile strength will keep on coming.

and i will keep calm and carry on.

is it possible

i have a lot of things running through my mind.

i was thinking about the risk.

and i wished i could let my [inner] self speak.

but i don't think that can ever be possible.

show no fear

It's time to make a start
to get to know your heart
time to show your face, time to take your place

In every speck of dust
In every universe,
When you feel most alone, you will not be alone

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you will see my footprint on every floor

It only takes a spark to tear the world apart
these tiny little things that make it all begin

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you'll see my reflection in your free fall

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
'Cause when your back's against the wall
that's when you show no fear at all
and when you're running out of time
that's when your hitch your star to mine

We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by
~My Shadow, Keane~

****

Live. I don't know, I think you're either born simple or you're born... me. I wanna be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress, I wanna be simple 'cause no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.

~C. Yang~

you have no idea

i don't need your sympathy.

my heart

i am feeling kind of frustrated.
over a lot of things.

i am trying re-process and sort out all the things that i saw and heard in just one and a half day.

i have my hermit the crab with me, after a nice walk along the beach.

why do things have to be so complicated?

disillusions.

i can't see myself doing this kind of thing for years.

i felt i was being psycho-ed. i somehow felt that our personality is kind of similar. it's quite tempting to stay in the inner circle because you get the inside stories first hand. but i also saw how people are stepping on each other just to get ahead of them. they might not be wrong. it boils down to the survival of the fittest.

i don't like it.

... to be continued

the 8th month.

yesterday i went for my first street photography. the pictures aren't that great as the term 'street photography' sounds. But it was certainly a good experience.

it was a bright sunny day with blue sky and white clouds. although the afternoon sun is not a nice time to take pictures because it is sooo bright, and, so HOT, but i still went for it. geez, basically it's like a sunbathing time for me, as though my skin is not dark enough. I parked the car and started walking around for about an hour. most of my subjects are children. Adults - just a few, because i was quite scared to aim my camera at them and press the shutter. The black thing can be pretty intimidating and probably infringing their privacy. What if they chased after me for taking pictures of them? Oh well, worst-case-senario-mood in play.


I saw a woman sitting by the road side, selling indon/philipino cigarettes,

"Kak, boleh gambar?"

she shook her head

and spoke in language that i couldn't understand.

My shirt was drenched with sweat, my skin was a few tones darker, but at least i managed to get some pretty rewarding shots.

reward. yes, i prefer the instant ones to the 'N-years-down-the-road' type.

There's some kind of liberation i felt as i was walking around taking pictures. The same o' liberation i felt in Semporna. It's like i am in my own world and that's the real me. The jia in school is like an undercover - to gather information about how terrible the education system is, particularly this system i am currently in. i am so sorry that i can only complain *non-stop* about it, because obviously i can't do anything about it and i am too selfish to stay in it and work something out of nothing.

They said, "Every job has its good and bad sides. If you are really passionate about something, you will be able to thrive through the bad moments and turn them into something good and meaningful."

Be in my shoes, or some of my friends' shoes -- you will EAT YOUR WORDS!

darn it!

i want to hide.

complex feelings.
jimo.

i don't know how to translate those chinese words into english.

what's ahead

how long do you have to wait

how long do you have to stay

how far can you go

how much can you lose

**

how long are you willing

to wait

to stay

how far are you willing to go

how much are you willing to lose

*and you have a preview to how the bad cop and the good cop within me work.
it can get better than that at times*

~***~

The walk through the mangrove swamp on this small stretch of bridge and out to the beach was somewhat scary and creepy.

The other day i was wondering why we can't just rewind back to many years ago. then i realized i need to do myself some good and stop thinking about this rewinding thingy. well, for some obvious reasons, of course.

School was boring today. Ok, probably because there's nothing much going on after a week of monthly tests and i didn't do much to get anything going anyway. whatever. And probably because i had a bad week marking papers, balancing on the fine line that separates strict and lenient.

Great. There's school tomorrow, following the Friday timetable. I'll be starting the chapter on Land and Its Resources, which is about some geology stuff i learnt during uni days. Oh my, I have returned most of what i learnt to the lecturers. oh crap.

I am only returning the papers next week. Many students came to me and asked me about their math paper results. A handful of them did brilliantly well compared to their peers, and I am truly happy about that. Some, they came because they want to know the mistakes they did. They listened, and their light bulbs were lighted. They understood the reason they got low marks or failed the paper. Some, they came but are just plainly blinded by their own weaknesses in the subject (not only math) and yet still want to plead for marks which i can't and won't give. They are not interested in knowing their weaknesses and mistakes. They are only interested in getting a pass for the paper, or higher marks. One girl got 22 out of 50, which is equivalent to 44%, one more mark to pass the paper. She came to see me twice to beg for that 1% so that she can have a pass for math paper after failing it in the Feb test. I will never give her that one mark because she simply doesn't deserve it. She wouldn't get an E for math if only she had paid attention during lessons and 'repent' from the sins in doing math. Of course, there some who prefer to just wait til the day the teacher returns the papers to them, which is what i will do if i'm a student. gah.

Bio - i expected to get that kind of results because clearly, language is a problem to them. The students, not just students from my class, have problem understanding simple instructions like 'explain using an example of carbohydrate', 'factors affecting permeability of plasma membrane', 'precautionary steps in administering injection', etc. I marked their papers with a pretty merciful heart where i tried to understand their explanation and marks were given as long as they hit the point. A few from my class did quite well because they are the ones who pay attention during class and work hard to understand; and of course there is about 4 or 5 of them who totally flunked the paper and you can predict what kind of behavior they have during classes. I don't like to see students failing their papers, particularly the subject i love and teach. haha. But I must applaud one of the boys. He is really weak in english. I mean 'really' weak. His english is somewhere in primary school level and i was fearing that he will hand in just the question paper with no answers. Oh well, he answered the questions although not all. He passed the paper, even though with an E. In upper secondary level, E is still a pass, but not G. Oh there's another boy whom i need to constantly call his name during classes so that he won't go too deep in his dream land -- he got a B. That was a surprise to me. ;)

Science -- gah, if this kind of results came out for PMR.. i might be skinned alive.

*roll your eyes*

*shake your head* and *stare at me* and say

*teacher, i don't understand....*

what should i do?

jiaaaaa is extremely disappointed with the academic performance of her students.

i took this during the Bio field trip.
what cutie kittens they are!!

where's nemo?

Every time i pass by the LD airport, it never fails to remind me of my first day in this place, how a total shocker Day-1-in-LD was for me when i landed here; and how at the end of the first day, i was greeted by a rainbow over the sky as my housemate drove pass the airport heading towards town. alrightz. This afternoon the radio was playing Train's Hey Soul Sister as i was driving along that stretch of road and i thought of rachelchoong and gah.. i almost wanted to burst out in tears. almost, and therefore thank God i didnt. if not, it would be so embarrassing. *sorry rachel, please don't scold me for being jimo :p*

jimo-fimo-finding-nemo.

"This is the secret of Jeremiah's persevering pilgrimage - not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: 'My heart is ready!' " - Eugene Peterson

okay. stop finding nemo, jiaaaaa. stop it!

alright, i am already in the middle of march. garh. there's still some work not done yet. i have to prepare the PEKA list, mark the PEKA reports; and get ready to continue teaching Math after the break, lalala... then the school is going to have Hari Anugerah thingy, Sports day.. blah blah blah.. geeee.. whateverlar..

did i tell you that my 4 Zamrud kids celebrated my birthday during their prep time? It was the first day of school after the cny break and they actually bought a cake on sunday and asked their canteen aunty to keep it in the fridge. it was a huge cake i tell you. i will show you the picture some other time. i really appreciated it. well, the quiet 2*th birthday ain't that quiet after all. :p

I began to see and understand how difficult it can be to 'serve' the country in a place other than where i wanted. Things are so different when you experienced them first hand. Emotions is one of the scariest thing i need to deal with. How do you balance the positive feeling (that your job can be pretty rewarding although not in financial sense, of course) and the negative feeling (that you are in a sense, living in lack, lack of the comfort you wanted and needed)? Well, honestly sometimes i get kind of jealous of friends who are staying back in the other side of my world. They have access to different things, simple things such as cinemas to enjoy good shows (none in LD), proper shopping malls (none in LD that matches that standard), driving along nice highways (nope, you have snake-liked bumpy tar roads), nice hangout places which you can sit there for hours drinking tea, coffee or Paulaner (none here, except some shops that show poor imitations of KimGary, Ipoh Old Town, etc) , and the list goes on. I'm not exactly complaining or grumbling although it sounds like it. AH, i knew it!

Above all, it's the company of friends (besides family) back in the other side of my world which i missed the most. It's like you meet hundreds of people every schooling day and yet you feel the immense longing to be with people who forms the world that lives in you. seriously. that's what i'm feeling every day. every freaking day. i didn't want to make things so jimo but sometimes i just can't help.

January and February were months of finding my place in LD and getting used to the all-too-quiet life here. In the 3rd month, i am pushed to deal with the emotional aspect of life as i continue the search of a place for jiaaaaa in LD. I am learning how to strike a balance between the positive and negative feelings. I am learning how to deal with emotions, how to deal with the quest of finding nemo when such quests are needed.

As if to add to the jimo-ness, [V] is playing Celine Dion's All By Myself.

gah, how many times have i told you that you'll be fine?

when the reality begins to sink in

most probably i will be celebrating the New Year 2010 in Lahad Datu and geographically, earlier than you who are 'stuck' in West Malaysia. ;)

i am feeling 'jimo-fimo-finding-nemo' now.
today was the last day of JCard day. my mum bought me a huge luggage. shoes. and a new toy (at least it can kill some boredom away).

this is probably the last batch of 2009 pictures taken in Ipoh Old Town before i start shooting places in Sabah, oh particularly Lahad Datu.

and this is my new toy.

this was taken half an hour ago.

when reality begins to sink it. sigh.

there's nothing left

I wish that I could photoshop all

Our bad memories 'cause the

Flashbacks

Oh, the flashbacks

Won't leave me alone

~Come Back to Me, Utada Hikaru~

***

flashbacks. dreams.
it's been quite a long while.
i saw you the other day. a smile. a few words. and a goodbye.
at that moment, my heart was like being squeezed and twisted and there's nothing left. nothing.
i saw you again two nights ago.
it was so real that i can really feel you.
your face. your eyes. our passions and regrets. my regrets.
and i woke up feeling the immense pain in my heart.
there's nothing left but flashbacks and more flashbacks.

i'm sorry, i still love you.

***

"no regrets."

you left

the best part of me was always you.

rolling in. rolling out.

“Time passes and the pain begins to roll in and out
as though it’s a woman standing at an ironing board,
passing the iron back and forth, back and forth across a white tablecloth.”

***

a sudden pang of jimoness. sigh. i don't do understand why it has to be so difficult. so so difficult.

but it's time for me to go home..

oh wells, after spending two months doing teaching practice, i have now started (or rather, 'i am now continuing') with the process of saying goodbye to people and places...

gosh... *_*

four years. Section 5 college cell. Broga was what brought us closer.
*not to forget Pok Yee, Aaron, Avni, Munsiong and Ameer who are not in the pic*


*the 2 'P's.... no words can describe. in these 4 years, banting is like a second home to me.
thank you for all the lepaking time spent together there*
as i promised, i'll be seeing you before i leave PJ/KL, Gorgeous woman.

it was encouraging to hear what my cellies said during the affirmation time.
i didn't know i have such impact on them and the cell *i myself was shocked to hear that.... lol* despite my on-off disappearance on Fridays and Saturdays...

i don't like saying goodbye. i don't like changes.

but as much as i dislike changes and goodbyes.. Ipoh is definitely a clear option to choose coz' for the time being, Ipoh is really calling my name real loud.

geee.. i'm trying to cut down the jimoness... so far, so good :p

oh wells....

it's time for me to go home...
jiahui have to huijia

i never had a choice.

i'm holding on.

what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
and you only?

who are you waiting for?

"Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting.

Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler's Wife)

i want to

scream!