dirty tales.

All I need is the inner peace that comes not just from God, but also from the life I am living. 

It's been a week since the KRS camp in Taliwas. There's nothing much to talk about the camp, with the usual group activities, building gadgets, marching, cooking, etc. The picture was taken at the river flowing through the Taliwas camp site. We can see the riverbed as well as the reflection with the effect of polarizer. Taliwas is quite a nice place. A good getaway from the hustle and bustle of the crazy school life that requires you to give and give and give and give and give selflessly to the good of humankind. 

Different schools may face different problems. 

I can't say for all schools.

The environment in my school does not encourage selfless giving. The people up there may say that teachers should be a selfless being, putting the students and the school-related work first. I was idealistic, I (may) still am. Therefore to a certain degree, I do kind of agree with their 'plea'. However, the surrounding is totally unsupportive of this kind of effort. Your colleagues (not all, but majority of them) don't think or feel the same as you. For them, it's just a job that some people think too highly of. They go to school, they laze around in school, they are late for class, they leave the class early, they skip class.. They do things for the sake of doing it. You may wonder why they are acting like uni/secondary school students. And with that kind of personality and attitude, they would reprimand their students for behaving the same. They scold students for sending in their work late yet the teachers themselves do not finish their tasks on time, and some teachers purposely procrastinate so that the tasks assigned to them would be passed on to those who are more hardworking. 

Please kill me!!

So tell me, how can you expect the good teachers to be productive in this kind of environment? Perhaps, some have forgotten that teachers are human too. They need motivation and appreciation. They need conducive working environment too. No or minimal actions are taken against lousy teachers who underperformed. It's one of the main reasons why the education system in this country sucks. Then another question comes - why is there no actions taken against them? Partly it's because the school needs to protect her image. Having disciplinary actions taken against those teachers would tarnish the image of the school and hence cutting off chances of the school getting titles like High Performing School, Cluster School and stuff like that. 

It's really frustrating. What's the point of all those titles that cover the school like a huge carpet, and yet when you flip the carpet, all you get is maggots everywhere???!

And why you have this kind of teachers in school? Then we may have to look into the selection of fresh grads from the uni-s and teaching colleges. Sigh. What qualifies them as a teacher? Their grades? Their aptitude and attitude? Either one or both? Some don't even have either one. Lousy grades, lousy aptitude... 

I am not good but I definitely cannot be worse than them. Sorry that I may sound cocky but truly, that's what it is and that's what I am facing at this point of life. It's hard not to be disgusted by them. It's hard to stay true to my self. It's hard not to be affected by them and start living like them. It's hard to swim against the current. God have mercy on us!! 

Of course, I cannot discredit the good ones. But I don't get at least 50% of good ones from the 100% I have in school. 

It just makes me feel terrible. It's like you are fighting alone for a country that still considers you a stranger, a passerby, that judges you based on your skin colour and religion. Face it, that's the fact. Racism and discrimination have always been there, but they cannot be more prevalent in any other ages than now. 

Woe to those white-washed tombs!

I try to treat people with honesty and good will. But now I think my naïveté has cost me a lot. I don't mind carrying out the assignments given to me but don't take me for granted just because I seldom say NO. 

From where I am right now..

Teaching is a good profession when the environment is good. I have good students who respect teachers and have desires to excel in studies and life (not all, but majority of them). So, it's a joy teaching them. I am willing to do more for them not because I cared about the whatever titles given to the school or any benefits that comes with those ridiculous titles and recognitions. I am simply being a decent human being for carrying out my responsibilities. I want them to get good grades - good grades that come from gaining and applying the knowledge and skills passed on to them. Sigh, but no matter how idealistic it may sound, I still have to bow down to the fact that schools are just another mass-production factory. 

I hope you know it is very tiring to keep living like that. 

If anyone tells you teaching is an easy job with lots of holidays and short working hours, I beseech you to gently rebuke them. Such stories of easy life is nothing but a cruel myth. 

If anyone mention the word 'teachers' with hints of contempt, I beseech you to remind them that there are good teachers around despite the rotten apples that always make it to the pages of newspapers. 

I stayed on because I guess there's still something I could do in the midst of hardship.

april.

I need some photography outings to pull myself away from the tension that comes with the heavy workload. 

Perhaps the KRS camp in Taliwas during the next weekend could help a bit. But the thing is, i would have to brave through a series of crazy works before the day of KRS camp arrives. Well, not that i am very looking forward to it anyway. 

The picture above was taken at Tanjung Aru during the March school break. It's one of the best places to go for sunsets in KK.

**

I think i really need to be less friendly and helpful to the people around me.

Indeed, it's not easy to be a good person.

**

我

是不会轻易地认输！

所谓

"不经一番寒彻骨焉得梅花扑鼻香？”

the Strength.

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Passion of Mary-Margaret. I call it the nun-book. hehe. it's not exactly a 'nun'-book but a fictional story about this religious sister named Mary-Margaret. A story about how she wanted to live her whole life serving God as a sister but then end up leaving the order and got married to her old time crush who became a male prostitute+drug addict........ haih, long story. :p

It's something like The Shack book. not the story line. but the moral of the story.

Although it's fictional, i couldn't help but thinking there must be someone in this world living out this kind of life - dedicate her life to God, serving Him wholeheartedly.

I kind of felt the goosebumps when i just started to read the book, especially when it comes to those lines describing why and how she wants to live her life for God, blah blah blah. How can she love her God to that extend? Don't we have the same God? How is she able to turn the bitterness in life into something that spurs her to continue her walk with God? As i continued reading the book.. she has Jesus as her Friend and she knows God loves her and she has no doubt of that.

I met up with a friend today. Although she did the talking most of the time, it was good. i have great respect for her tenacity in life, her passion for God, etc etc. she pointed out one thing - how we think of God shapes how we love God and the quality of relationship we have with God.

That's a pretty 'something' for me to think and work through.

We all like to decide our own sacrifices.

That's the mistake i always make.

fictional, yet real.

I need Strength to carry on.

lest i forget.

Soon, this year is coming to an end.

The past one month has been crazily busy! CRAZY!!!!

Looking at the analysis of the results for F2 Maths final exam, i couldn't believe i have made it through another year with tonnes and tonnes of hard work, sweat and tears. And indeed, there's reward at the end of the race. i must say that i am pretty impressed with my self. :)

"be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God,
failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.
Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down,
and when your herds and flocks grow large
and gold increase and all you have is multiplied,
then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God,
who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."
Deut 8:13-14

There were many opportunities to push myself to do more this year.

In this final week of school, i guess there's no better time to rethink and reflect on all that i have gone through.

it's been a fruitful year. and i know i have really done my very best in everything that i laid hand upon.

*great experience in Kuching for basketball competition. that was one of the most exciting times of the year where there's adrenaline pump everyday for one whole week.

*extra maths classes for the E Gang that bore fruit where all of them went from an E (fail) to at least a C, one even went from E to A. Ok la, except one boy la, he failed ALL his maths paper this year, oh poor thing. Anyway, it feels good to see their eyes lightened up when they got their maths papers. And it feels even better when they came back to thank you before they leave school for holiday.

*f4 bio - during Sept test, i scolded (this is an overstatement) a boy who got 7 out of 40 objective questions correct. i told him if he were to do this again, he is going to TELAN the OMR paper. And guess what, he passed his bio paper this time and improved a whole lot in other subjects too! Oh gosh. it's pretty unbelievable. well, i am glad that he put in effort to make things better for himself.

*f5 bio - i have really done all that i could. it's up to God to make things work. i have to remind myself that whatever the outcome is, it cannot be my fault anymore. Simply because i have done my best to teach them, to do extra classes, to meet some of them for 'private' tuition.

*Borneo Jungle School - what a great experience living in the jungle! A sakai like me have seen so little of the real world. The best moment - standing in the dark, all torch-lights were off, all you see is the starry night with all those weird weird sounds of insects.

*The sacrificial cow - that was the first time i saw how people slaughter a cow for Ibadah Qorban. And funny as it is, i kinda turned it into a science lesson while the adults are butchering the cow. I didn't know that the trachea of a cow is as big as the pipe that is fixed at the washing machine for the water to flow out. The best thing, haha.. the heart of the cow. For this i know why i identify so much with Cristina in Grey's.

Of course, not to forget the great times spent traveling around.. March Kundasang-Sandakan-LD trip, April-August Sandakan trip, April KK trip... with friends coming to visit.. blah blah blah.. :)

It's not just a bed of roses. i just don't feel like wasting time to count those thorns.

And tomorrow, i have one more assignment to do - kursus in semporna. hehe.

Enough of typing for the day!

blink blink*

i need some photography outings to make my life slightly more colourful.

Let's trade shoes

I am pretty fed up with this certain thing that happens every now and then.

I have always walked the second mile. I dare not say for 'all situations in my life', but at least many of them. I try not to be calculative when it comes to carrying out the task given. I will do my best to get them all done as the way you wanted it. If a certain people couldn't get theirs done, I'm fine with you asking me to help out. That's because Someone walked and is still walking the second mile for me and my conscience tells me that it's good to help people and I still have an able body and I just want the whatever event we are working on goes well in the end of the day and we can all go back happily.

This mindset works for one time. two times. three times. four times.

There will come a time where it takes such a huge effort to think that way.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

You always get your job done, on time, near perfection or nothing less than that, because you feel that leaving behind crap for someone else to clean up is a bad thing to do. And yet, you are the one always cleaning up other people's crap.

The good person next to you tell you that you should just do the same like them. Why care so much when no one give a darn about you when you are busy cleaning other people's crap?

You know there's truth in that short speech but because of conscience, you couldn't stoop down to that level. That filthy level of leaving behind unfinished business for the next person to suffer. And yet, you also couldn't come to terms with your altruistic behaviour.

You suffer.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

There's many hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] people around who will get their job done on time. They will even cover for you if you couldn't finish yours. But of course, it's better that you can get yourself away from those task. Avoid here avoid there. Best way to avoid, simply do so that next time no one dares to ask you to do anything. SAVED!

Well, if you are that unlucky, like what you read earlier - simply do lar! Just go and show your face a bit, arrange some pots and chairs, and then disappear right away so that no one can catch you and order you to make things look nicer and better. Leave those to the hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics].

You don't care what others say. You don't care if they say you are sluggish, lazy, etc. You don't care, because in the end, you still get paid more or less the same as those dumb-dumbs.

Why make your life so miserable when you can opt for the more relaxed one?

Conscience? What's conscience? Some years down the road, sure you have ample time to amend those 'misdeeds'. Most important is, at this moment you are happily receiving your pay with a lousy performance any tom-dick-and-harry can give.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

At the end of the day, we all sit at the meeting table.

You will ask, "What are the strengths and weaknesses of the program?"

Then someone will say, "All of us give full cooperation throughout the preparation for the event and therefore the event went on smoothly. We all worked with each other very well."

COOPERATION TOP LEVEL

because we the hardworking ones [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] cleaned up those useless people's crap.

Happy ending.

what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

i took a short break from school.

waiting for orang utan.

4 days plus in the jungle was really awesome.

the trip was tiring but yet there was so much fun. morning afternoon night - jungle trekking, jungle trekking and more jungle trekking. every day our activities started at 6 and ended at 9-ish. no time was wasted and it was all packed with activities, one after another.

it was really an eye opener. the japanese culture - the way they teach and learn. and the rainforest - it is really beautiful and fill with life. what amazed me was there are many weird looking insects and animals - some look like centipedes but they are actually millipedes. *_*

and i got my leech certificate from BRL - for donating my blood to the tiger leech.

:)

this is about after an hour. fatty greedy tiger leech!

overall, it's really a great experience :)

that's me trying

Green turtle hatchling.

i have been trying very hard to make things work.

but the harder i try, the more i fear.

this is really sickening.

#12

mandi laut.

our story

would you walk with me?

*
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you

I climbed across the mountaintops
Travel across the ocean blue
I cross over lines and I broke all the rules
And baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do, I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
All of the friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know I'm in this mess

No they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through
Like you do, and I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

Oh but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you
Oh yeah, and it's true that I was made for you
The Story, Brandi Carlile

still at work

i am waiting for time to fly pass.

past two weeks - busy and yet it was kind of fun. i still have to find time to do the special class for the form 5 who failed last year's bio paper.

it has been raining quite frequently and seriously, that's a very bad thing because we can't have our basketball training. and the condition of the basketball is pretty THM, even that is an understatement.


it's going to be a loooong week because i will be home alone.



tomorrow i have to teach PE, again.



i am looking forward to the next getaway.

this January

practice makes perfect. 195 is an awesome number.





:)
test me test me.

and i am truly glad that holiday is coming SOON and i can get out from this THM place, although it's just for a week plus!
school -- i am so lazy to talk about school. i realized i have not been blogging about school since it started. OK, maybe i should give a brief update. i am teaching form 2 Maths (AGAIN!) - a boys-only, and a girls-only class; form 4 Bio; form 5 Bio. A total of 18 periods a week. Itu saje. I should be somewhat free but in fact, i feel that i'm busier than before. i guess that's life under the new regime.

whateverlar.

holiday is coming soon. and february will fly pass. and it will be march!
then it's going to be april and soon, may!
and then that's it!
*i hoped, no, i will ensure that!*

i am a rock star, baybeh!

i attended meetings

this is the book i bring along whenever i go for staff meetings. *since last year*


and this is what i do during staff meetings. yes. paying attention. to my world map.

:)

this makes meetings superbly bearable

i drive a manual car

taken from postsecret.

and i feel so awesome about it.
:P

stop and start.

4 more days and it will be my last day in school.

honestly, i should be *darn* proud of myself for such bravo display of perseverance and survived one year in this place.

a few days ago, i actually went through all the things i posted up from the beginning of the year. i am amazed at how circumstances in life has such great power to change a person, from the inside out.

and you know what, just in case you still don't realize this - i spent my one year TRYING very hard. i need to do justice to all the effort i have put in, whether is in keeping myself intact, teaching the students, adapting to the system and the new environment, making new friends, traveling here and there, etc.

and i found this!

image taken from here


it's time to move on and stop trying.

i think there's a need to repeat this - there's nothing wrong with giving up.

can't fight biology.

*gee, it's the title for Grey's season 7, episode 4*

and so, as i have predicted -- bio results is a hell of disaster.

paper 1 - majority of them gets 20 something over 50.

paper 2 - i am halfway through marking their papers. maybe there will be a few of them (can count with fingers using EITHER my left, or right hand) get 50-ish over 100.

paper 3 - hoho, majority gets 20-ish over 50.

i have discussed the above questions 3-4 times ever since we covered the chapter on Enzymes, right until before the bio papers.

basically, the question asks the students to explain why the *smart* housewife marinates cutlets of meat with strips of papaya and put it in a basin containing warm water.
use your brain to apply some knowledge of biology - cutlets and strips is to increase surface area. papaya contains enzyme papain that can tenderize the meat.
warm water is to provide optimum temperature for enzymatic reaction.

easy, right?
gosh, there are still students who couldn't answer it correctly,
giving me ALL SORTS of crap.
like the example given above -- she answered in a way as if she is preparing some cooking recipe.

the question above asks for ways to prevent development of cancer cells.
what can i say?
i can't deny the existence of divine power, can i?

this student - i don't know how much he has learned or remembered over the past 10 months studying biology.

his papers are one of the easiest to mark, together with a few more of them.
cross. cross. cross. and cross.

but i know he remembered one important thing i told them during one of the lessons,
and i am sure it will stick with him for the rest of his life.

the meaning of bowel movement and pass motion.
oh crap.

the marks for the whole bio paper? i think they can barely get a pass for it.

for you,

the beautiful souls in my life

the white.

the orange and the pink.

you're amazing just the way you are.

;)

no more borneo paradise for 2010.
now i know how 'geli' it is to walk in
the mangrove swamp during high tide,
stepping on lots and lots of pneumatophores.

the weekend bah..

there are many cats in my school compound, including the school canteen.
the cats will wait for you to finish your meal.. and once you get up from your seat, they will pounce onto the table and start their great banquet.

the cat pic was taken on last saturday, during the lunch break.
this is one of the super rare moments.. the cat was on the table, holding to the fish bone for quite a while and i happened to have my canon baby with me.

speaking about being at the right place at the right moment.
***

last weekend - it was quite happening. i attended a Maths workshop for the form5 students on the whole of Saturday, morning til night. And in the afternoon, a group of Japanese students came to my school. It's a stop for them before heading to Danum Valley.

handicraft. one of the Jap boy making 'kuda kepang'.
***

Then on Sunday evening, i attended LD's first 'Professionals of Today' meeting. i met up with a few teachers teaching in schools around LD and a pharmacist working in the hospital.

***

This is random. i just want to show you some giant squids. They are bigger than the Dolmio 560g pasta sauce bottle. They are really huge.... and look at their eyes! :P

****
Today is my first day of longer working hours.
tak tahan wei.
:P