i shouldn't have done that last night

her little-world

she realized that she likes to lock
herself in her own little-world.
she isn't sure when it started but
the little world has always been there.
offering her much solace
and solitude.

and so
she continues to stay in her own little-world
that rains most of the time.
it's always blue
gray
and white.

once in a while
you see sunshine bursting in
with joy and laughter.
she hopes for rains when the sun shines
and sunshines
when the rain falls.

***

悲哀不是場虛幻
Grief is not a delusion

Everlasting Regret

我是蝴蝶 流浪於花樣胸膛
我沒重量 要飛出這個弄堂
我要情感 還要一張雙人床 成長
年少輕狂 誰也有可能來往

恨　歲月　背叛
往事都變成了災難　遺憾
恨人生的長廊
一場熱鬧　留下行李 要自己承擔
恨我的眼淚　併發得我提心吊膽
證明悲哀不是場虛幻

不甘平凡　感情卻是種負擔
告別青春　卻沒有告別渴望
想愛就愛　可惜已經跟愛情 無關
如夢舊歡　只是徒勞的糾纏

恨　歲月　背叛
往事都變成了災難　遺憾
恨人生的長廊
一場熱鬧　留下行李　要自己承擔
恨我的眼淚　併發得我提心吊膽
證明悲哀不是場虛幻
愛情是我生存力量

~長恨歌, 鄭秀文~

你叫我最快乐, 你也叫我最心痛

爱在迷惘中

你叫我最渴望, 却也叫我猜不中

谁可以这样折衷

要说这晚算吧, 却觉爱己经失控

~抱拥这分钟, 郑秀文~

***

sometimes
things can only be expressed
through those chinese characters.

those were the days...

Show Mi 2007 was awesome!!
I found it on youtube.. ahaha.. it's a superb performance! =)

Wondering why I am blogging about this huh?? i bet you didn't know this part of jiahui.. hehe..

Neh, the whole show is like a journey bringing me back to my 'budak days'...

Well, I grew up listening to her songs.
the jimo songs. the disco dancing songs.... etc..

Watched her movies. dramas. concerts. mtvs. followed closely any news about her. kept pictures and newspaper cuttings of her. decorated my room with posters of her. wrapped my books with plastic covers and slit the pictures of her inside. buat macam pembalut-buku-dengan-muka-sammi-cheng.

i remembered the days when me and my friends were so giler about her .. and basically everything about her lar.. haha.. it's was crazzzzzzyyyy...!!! For us (for me, even till now!), no one can 'fight' with her, i tell you!!! hmmmmph!!!

i still remembered how i asked my dad to go get her albums for me. Aha.. =) i would be jumping for joy (kinda) every time he came back with a new album to add to my collection. Teehee.. and my friends would give me her albums and posters as bday present *hint hint, my bday is in 4 months time*

It has been more than 12 years... Oh my gosh... it makes me feel old as I listen to her songs... the old ones, as well as the new ones. =)

I was once a giler girl.
I think I still am.

a.c.j.a

the people and the wonderful time
spent together.
=)

the picture brings back so much fond memories .. hehe..
ah, how time flies..

Rainy days

我的心却无法事过境迁

my heart still couldn't let go of the past
this is harder than what i expected
it's like a knife stabbing me to death
when you told me that
you no longer remember
the things you did
the words you wrote
the pictures you drew
and the warmth you gave

那伤心乱成一片

some important dates in Nov.

Before Nov, let's start with Oct!

23/10

Histology test. now looking at the slides. wondering what the heck i drew during lab hours. but thank God for digicam!
KO-K exhibition thingy. handed in my piece of art. =p

1/11
Math Curriculum Planning

Hand in the stupid assignment. not done yet. it's gonna cost me a bomb to print it out. heck!
and sit for the stupid exam where you have to keep on writing and writing. don't even have much time to process the things you are to write. I have asked 3 or 4 friends about that, and all of them gave me the same answer. =(

5/11
Socio MCQ.

it's interesting how the Datin reminded us what is MCQ, OCR, 2B pencil, erase properly, ... etc..
Well, by the way, i don't really know what i have learned in socio for the whole sem. i went for classes to daydream, talk crap, pretend to be attentive when listening to people who are talking or presenting. terrible ha....

10/11

Neurobiology
I like! But there's a lot to remember. wondering how to get the stuff on neurotransmitters. the seminar worth 25 marks and i wonder how much i got from that coz i think i kinda screwed it up. today we'll have the last class. have been discussing sleep and consciousness and dreams. trying to connect those 5 stages of sleep with my sleeping patterns and hours. quite fun eh. haha. waiting for opportunities to test the REM sleep.. see what happen to the eyes.. haha..

14/11
Human and animal physiology.
Heck. I don't like. Darn it. i got tonnes of stuff to read for this subject. and i may need to write stuff like "how is 'calm, cool & relax' related to human physiology", or "Chandelier, relate it to human physiology...", or "Superstar, relate it to human physiology...."
Grrrrhhh... what kind of exam questions are these??

15/11
Histology
I like! but again, there's soooo much to read and remember. well, at least some stuff overlaps with neurobiology and physiology. it kinda helps. haha.

By the way, this friday we will be going to the Anatomy thingy in Medic fac. Haha. It's gonna be fun! I was thinking if i should go twice. haha. one with the histo group, another with the neuro group. =)

Well, there are other important dates in the month of november as well.
Like, 2/11, 4/11, 9/11, 11/11, 20/11, 24-27/11, 27/11....

i miss home... =)

*issh, i still prefer my old TooInch specs..*

曾聽說有許多戀愛
沒有結果 卻剩傷心者感慨
令我都刻意避開
是我不敢相信真愛
但你不惜真心真意對待
竟令我再感到意外
讓我獻出全部熱愛 全面喝采

如果今天將失去眼前的一切
剩低清風兩袖也不計
唯獨你一個是不可給取替
是我生命裡的一切
如早知今生跟你有幸可相愛
在當初應更努力為未來
其實我知道是可一不可再
下半生准我留住你 一直相愛

誰似你這般欣賞我
誰也說不上你一般清楚我
問我可需要甚麼
願你終身交託給我
讓我一生好好把你照料
請讓我體恤你需要
為你獻出全部熱愛 從來沒缺少

唯獨你一個是不可給取替

**
an old song

'you are irreplaceable'
**

two empty benches.
one morning.

silence.

i always thought it was fun. i still remember how it's like. the awkwardness and not knowing what to talk about and trying to find a common topic. in fact, i kinda liked it just like that. just being there with one another. quiet and yet you know that you are safe. you are protected. nothing will go wrong. even if anything went wrong, you know that you are not alone.

i always thought it was fun. until now.

i hate that i can't make myself to kick you out of my life. yes, it's you.

the silence that was once interesting and heart-warming has become a thing that irritates me and it's slowly eating me away...

i hate you.

these little things...

You were there.
Alert
Yet trembling.
I came near.
But you chose to run away
To hide.

I saw fear in your eyes.

I thought I could carry you to somewhere safer but you ran away from me as I drew closer.....

*****

i saw a kitten at library car park when i was on the way back to my little room...
poor thing...
i don't know what will happen to it.
and i began to imagine the worst -- knocked down by drivers who are blind... kicked and hit by some stupid anti-feline fellas... fell into drains and the big drain that looks like a river... starved to death... bitten by larger animals... garh, i always think about the worst case senario. =(

but on the other hand, maybe the mama cat found the kitten and then you have the 'happy family ending'... maybe some nice people adopted it and fed it... maybe it befriended a squirrel then they take care of each other where the squirrel learns to meow while the kitten learns to climb up and down... and now you know i have a thing for cats and kittens ha.. =)

today is a good day. i mean, kinda happy. although it's still one kind and i'm still breathing in the jimo-ness. although i have to rush my assignment. although i fought with rachel. *ahem*. although this. although that. although you were there but you weren't really there.

i felt like 'you' now.

smiles that are wet with tears.

time

yesterday.
a few days ago.
a few nights ago.
10 months ago.
4 years ago.
7 years ago.

2 more years.
They are now like ashes.
The wind blows.
And it's gone.

When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

John 5:6-8

38 years. perhaps he was 'comfortable' in his misery.
I have been thinking about Jesus' question.

'Do you want to get well?'

this is for you.

mianhada,
saranghanda

Little by little, on this path,
comes the season
when I had to let you go

i don't know why i have become like that. i don't know why my answers to those questions are always the same for the freaking 3 years plus. i can only gave the same answers every time we met. ok la, like that la, bearable la, nothing much la, still the same la.. blah blah blah... and FULL STOP. it really makes me super frustrated. i don't know how to tell you the things that had happened, the good and bad i have gone through, and how these things have changed me, affected me, paralyzed me, and even 'killed' me. time and distance do separate people. and on the other hand, my unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable just makes the matter worse. perhaps this is something i need to handle on my own. i don't think i can find my heart anymore because i have traded it with something. somewhere. some time ago. oh well, i should just continue with my 'whatever' attitude, take whatever you are served, think less about worse case senarios, be more forgetful (and forgiving if can, esp to my own self). and make life a little bit happier. i think that's all i can say at this point of life. highland or valley, they don't matter much. the thing is, do i really know who is the one beside me? do i really know the one who has been with me all this while, the one who has been my help thus far?? or am i still looking high and low for someone else? =(

i'm ....

I'm not...broke
I'm just a broken hearted man,

I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on
when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
~The Man Who Can't Be Moved, The Script~

........

i'm back. here.
i'm wasting my time.