what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

holiday

cheers!!
it's Chinese New Year again! :)

i have about 10 days break, minus off the time set aside for traveling to and fro.

cousin's little boy.

about 2 weeks ago. taken using iphone by my cousin, and after being re-sized by facebook. Tried to salvage it a bit by changing it into black and white. healthy little Regan Khaw with daddy's hand.

I shall start planning some photography therapies.

maybe i can be a chef

"maybe teaching isn't for me..
maybe I should go back and help my father in the restaurant..."

That line comes from a movie i watched some time ago. I can't remember what show was that but i kind of remember repeating that to rc, and some other people, i think. I actually jotted down that line in my MooLoo Cow notebook after the show.

argh.

Hmmm, there are two things i like being in LD. I love the foggy mornings. It can be really foggy and all, and that gives me some thrill to get up early. Second thing -- being a chef. I picked up cooking ever since i landed here. I get to experiment some new dishes, re-create the dishes served in my family restaurant and that really helps bringing my HOME to LD. I enjoyed preparing meals -- the cutting, the planning, and all that comes with cooking. That gives me some adrenaline rush and helps to reduce stress. haha. What a good way to cut off the stress after a day of dealing with *ahem* kids!

now we have gotten ourselves an induction cooker. there's going to be more fun coming. ;)
Next round, probably will get hold of some other stuff and start making some cool drinks. It's quite difficult to get them in LD. Well, and probably can try baking too! Meanwhile, i shall start keeping a record of the dishes i cooked - chinese and western. Isn't that awesome?

Oh well, I guess AFC and T&L have become my favourite Astro channels.

Life can be good in this place and wherever you are. As you want it to be.

Happy Easter!

where's nemo?

Every time i pass by the LD airport, it never fails to remind me of my first day in this place, how a total shocker Day-1-in-LD was for me when i landed here; and how at the end of the first day, i was greeted by a rainbow over the sky as my housemate drove pass the airport heading towards town. alrightz. This afternoon the radio was playing Train's Hey Soul Sister as i was driving along that stretch of road and i thought of rachelchoong and gah.. i almost wanted to burst out in tears. almost, and therefore thank God i didnt. if not, it would be so embarrassing. *sorry rachel, please don't scold me for being jimo :p*

jimo-fimo-finding-nemo.

"This is the secret of Jeremiah's persevering pilgrimage - not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: 'My heart is ready!' " - Eugene Peterson

okay. stop finding nemo, jiaaaaa. stop it!

alright, i am already in the middle of march. garh. there's still some work not done yet. i have to prepare the PEKA list, mark the PEKA reports; and get ready to continue teaching Math after the break, lalala... then the school is going to have Hari Anugerah thingy, Sports day.. blah blah blah.. geeee.. whateverlar..

did i tell you that my 4 Zamrud kids celebrated my birthday during their prep time? It was the first day of school after the cny break and they actually bought a cake on sunday and asked their canteen aunty to keep it in the fridge. it was a huge cake i tell you. i will show you the picture some other time. i really appreciated it. well, the quiet 2*th birthday ain't that quiet after all. :p

I began to see and understand how difficult it can be to 'serve' the country in a place other than where i wanted. Things are so different when you experienced them first hand. Emotions is one of the scariest thing i need to deal with. How do you balance the positive feeling (that your job can be pretty rewarding although not in financial sense, of course) and the negative feeling (that you are in a sense, living in lack, lack of the comfort you wanted and needed)? Well, honestly sometimes i get kind of jealous of friends who are staying back in the other side of my world. They have access to different things, simple things such as cinemas to enjoy good shows (none in LD), proper shopping malls (none in LD that matches that standard), driving along nice highways (nope, you have snake-liked bumpy tar roads), nice hangout places which you can sit there for hours drinking tea, coffee or Paulaner (none here, except some shops that show poor imitations of KimGary, Ipoh Old Town, etc) , and the list goes on. I'm not exactly complaining or grumbling although it sounds like it. AH, i knew it!

Above all, it's the company of friends (besides family) back in the other side of my world which i missed the most. It's like you meet hundreds of people every schooling day and yet you feel the immense longing to be with people who forms the world that lives in you. seriously. that's what i'm feeling every day. every freaking day. i didn't want to make things so jimo but sometimes i just can't help.

January and February were months of finding my place in LD and getting used to the all-too-quiet life here. In the 3rd month, i am pushed to deal with the emotional aspect of life as i continue the search of a place for jiaaaaa in LD. I am learning how to strike a balance between the positive and negative feelings. I am learning how to deal with emotions, how to deal with the quest of finding nemo when such quests are needed.

As if to add to the jimo-ness, [V] is playing Celine Dion's All By Myself.

gah, how many times have i told you that you'll be fine?

a few weeks ago

these were some of the pictures i took during my CNY break back at the other side of my world. gah, i was hit by the worst nightmare when the dvd which i used to save the pictures turned out to be 'empty' when i checked it the other day!! *pengsan, but good thing is i haven't deleted them from my camera* so, at the mean time i have to retrieve some of them from facebook coz' i am lazy to get them from my baby canon. :p

my cousin

this is a CNY jump!

oh yeah.. i bought the celcom broadband thingy. at least now i got something to do after school which is to lepak online. haha. astro is still not here yet. gah. did i tell how terrible miserable horrible it can be when there's only TV1 and TV2, and can't even get TV3? i have never known how suffering it could be until i landed here in this place. :P

think positive, jiaaaa!! Happy thoughts!!!!!

and so yesterday was the first day of school break and i actually woke up early to catch the sunrise and walked along the trail to school to take some pictures. hmm, at least it is something constructive and therapeutic to do. :p

you'll be fine.

O' Holy Night

my *whole* family and i went to CGMC for Christmas eve service.
notice the word *whole*
that is the best Christmas gift, from God.
oh well, besides the posting news.
;)

just only checked my mail, saw Ben's email on Simplicity written by Ken Rockwell. and i thought of the pictures i took during the service last night. my baby canon's battery died, so i was back to using my faithful SE 770i. the noise is obvious, cameraphone la, what to expect. I have other carolling pics in baby canon but i don't think i have the time to go through them and copy to my laptop.

the huge luggage with its mouth wide opened is staring at me, waiting for me to fill it up and shut its mouth.

oh jiaaaaaa, how are you?

mixed feelings which is waaaaaaaaaay beyond description. don't make me cry!
anyway, thanks for all the sayangs you all left on my FB. and the texts and the calls. they really helped to boost the excitement. do i sound excited?

i went to straighten my straight hair yesterday.
you know what, last time the tv always showed the Taiwan army shows... how the boys have to go for their national service, then they have to do the crew cut... sleep on bunk beds... wake up at the call of the siren..

and so, when the lady was trimming my hair.... i thought of those boys in the national service doing the crew cut.... cis... kanasai
i'm going for national service. thank God no need crew cut.
hope that there's no more bunk beds.
no call of siren except for the waktu Subuh, or fire drill in the middle of night.
but the sun comes out so much earlier there.

then last night before i dozed off... i thought of my PoT's ~ from Jonah to Nehemiah.

i couldn't help but thinking that God indeed has a really good sense of humour and an amazing skill of giving surprises to people. i did ask 'why God, why larrrr Saaaaabaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...?'

i am praying that the internet there is ok. and Digi Yellow Man had better not fail me. and the government had better pay me well. :p

there's so much to say. seriously. T_T

ok. i guess i had better go packing..

the Bug and the Advent and the Christmas

*can't you see that i'm busy?*

it's a pleasant surprise when i checked the picture.
the bug so happened flew pass as i pressed the shutter.
*teeheeee*

they said the 'list' is coming out in a few days time. Thursday, they said.
and i don't know what to expect. *whatever*

***
'Notoriously JOY-ed!'

The Advent.
Are you living as if Jesus did not come and is not coming again?
***

my family and i had a good laugh when we talked about many years ago how me and my siblings used to wait for Santa Claus to come during Christmas. We put baskets at the end of our beds, we 'fought' for the biggest basket...(you know, let's say you have a small basket, then Santa initially thought of giving you a big gift since you behaved well thru'out the year and mana tahu he had to give you a smaller gift coz the big one can't fit into your small basket...) hehe, and we did receive gifts from Santa@my parents. LOL. they are really good in creeping into rooms. Oh well, and now you know SIZE (of the basket) doesn't really matter anyway.

at the mean time.. while waiting for this Thursday to come...

life is the same ~ back to peeling garlic and being a waitress..
and acting like a boss.
*_*

candles and lanterns and crazy times.

and so jiaaaaaa was in Banting for the weekend and it was super cekap...!

I practised my lepak-ing skill in Banting *as if lar i don't lepak in Ipoh*. played with the kids. helped a bit here and there. hehe.

you can go here to see the pics ;)

I have been using my camera phone quite a lot since i got it in March this year. Oh wells, it can be your best friend or your best enemy. Sometimes it can give you quite good pictures *of coz, some editing has to be done lar*. And i had a susah time editing the pics coz all the pics taken at night are soooo grainy. Some i just make it black and white je lar ... *_*

oh wellzzz.... but it's ok. *it's just a camera phone, jiaaaaa*

and these are the two vain pots in the house during the weekend.

okies... here's the Amazing Grace i blogged about some time ago. This was taken when i was on the way to the bus station on Monday afternoon.

i had a good weekend reflecting on how great His faithfulness is.

and it's time to come back, jiaaaaaa.

yes, it's time.

and i am glad that You brought me back.

:)

eat more garlic

Life goes on with more garlic to peel .. 4 nights a week the time between dinner and bedtime is spent peeling garlics. It has become my family's favourite pastime. *grrrrhhh, it's all because of the inefficiency of a certain people*

this cyber cafe is better and quieter. my brother keeps telling me not to go to the previous one because that one sucks. my mum said she will pay me rm20 per hour to sit beside my brother and make him do some maths questions. haha, and i have been using that offer to disturb him.. geee... purposely cari pasal je lar... :p

i am getting ready for the one week break from my Ipoh life. hehe. now i'm half done packing my bags and i have 6 more days to go before leaving Ipoh. :p *yesh, i'm always very gan cheong when it comes to packing stuff to go somewhere else.*

what else....
my mum wants me to go fix my two 'tiger teeth'. issshhh.... whatever.. :p

i don't know what else to blog about. i guess my kind of blogging-power is decreasing.
*it goes low low low low low low low....*

the advert board in pudu bus terminal is stuck on my mind. it has a bus company named Amazing Grace. i saw it on the 16th Aug while waiting to go down to board the bus back to Ipoh. i had a loooooooooong train ride from Klang. it was already 1120 when i was waiting for the lrt to get to pasar seni and i wanted to get home asap. thank God for the 1150 bus. while waiting, i looked up and saw the advert board.. i remembered the four years and the moments i had the day before. and i remembered my greatgrandma's funeral and the hoohaas that happened.

Amazing Grace.

jiaaaaaa's ;)

starters..
the pic looks like some milk product advertisement.. DHA, EPA.. blah blah blah

he definitely will kill me if he found out about this.

***********
main course

look at our faces!
i wonder what was happening when this pic was taken.

in BP, lining up.

it was last Thursday. hehe.

shall show you the ugly stage pictures some other time.

**********

dessert

;) these were taken on Tues.

ok. i got to go back home to watch TVB Glittering Days. ;)

sweat. sweat. sweat.

oh wells, and so some of the songs are stuck on my mind...

one, two, three, four
uno, do, tre, quatro

i went to gym this afternoon with the Suit. it has been a super long time since i last danced. ok la, since we are not so pro, so we just simply danced je lar, followed a bit here and there, haha, some steps are easy, some are confusing, some are tricky. whatever. i just wanted to enjoy the whole 1.5 hours to the max and release the stress before going back to school for another week... :]

dan sebagai konklusi,

hehe, it was super fun!

the steps we can do 100% without mistake is the draw-a-box step, ring-the-bell step..
and a few more la. *we gave them funny names*
:)

hmm, besides that.. i am enjoying the remaining one week plus of having the whole room to myself; the fish tank is gone after i came back from gym, so now i don't need to count fishes anymore *sad* ; finally bought some eggs and more maggi mee. :( coz' i can't really cook, cis.

erm, what else? i'm looking forward to the days when 'teaching and learning' does not need to be restricted by lesson plans, and where there is no extra pair of eyes observing me from the back of the class and causes me to be sooooo darn self-conscious at times. sheeeesh.

geee, it's already 11-ish pm.

was digging through some old pics.. :)

yesterday was her birthday.

my AhBi sister is going to UUM on the 28th. thank God that she managed to get a place in uni. sigh, won't be able to send her off or go uni with her.. sigh.. :|

i think i do look a bit gangster-ish at times.

3 more weeks. i shall tahan! ;)

time.

with God all things are possible.
Matt 19:26

this is the first thing that caught my attention 7 years ago.

**
timing.
perhaps it was a wrong timing.
disappointed i am
but i don't want to make things worse.

**
first week in school.
it was cool
and
somewhat *awesome*
geo challenge is a useful tool to be used during relief classes.

**
shifted out from 3rd.
the jimoness is indescribable.
i felt that i have just moved in to 3rd not long ago and now i have to move out.
packed. unpacked. packed. unpacked.

**

no regrets.

excited? nervous?

i'll be heading to school

in less than 9 hours.
;)

a good friend said:

hey, don't get so stressed.
in all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE God,
and He will make your paths straight.

then my mum said:

mum: wah, you very 'gan cheong' (translate: nervous) ar?
me: of coz 'gan cheong' (translate: nervous like sh*t) la.....!

it was funny how my mum in her laughing-teasing tone then told me "mou gan cheong.. mou gan cheong (translate: don't be nervous) and go sleep early....."

sheesh... still got mood to blog.. garhh...

i was restless and i played many rounds of pacman to destress myself. then i figured out that i should go read the bible instead. :p

PJK has been preaching about "Not by might nor by power, but by the Spirit of God". what a reminder i get week after week that it's not by my might or power or wisdom or understanding.. but by the Spirit of God going before me and with me... hmmmmmm...

and....

"You spent 4 years studying to be a teacher. you BE a teacher," babe*.
;p

random shots here and there

taken using my *hehehehehe* sony ericsson.. =p

cupcake from Hyma. =)

Some 'stitching' using panorama..

taken after the dinner at 11th college
*failed giler*

taken some day ago outside 3rd college.
i was waiting to go pasar malam, i think.
*hampir jadi punya stitching, not too bad*

at rachel's happy mansion on 10th April.
vege+pumpkin+brinjal+carrot+tomato+egg+mushroom+cheese
= something weird but edible and not bad.
=)

20th April. Back from Ipoh at 4 something. Swimming at 5. Middle Easter food for dinner at 11th college. Nice Sunset from Bukit Cinta. Star gazing. with ben, yen. then plus george, rachel and hazel. flew a kite. sang some songs. danced some funny dances.

*lower exposure*

the sunset was awesome.

I'm happy.

down with that cycle.

For nothing will be impossible with God.
Luke 1:37

help me to guard my heart and mind.

come and sit awhile

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

thank you for coming and sitting awhile with me.

You

You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand,
Where I'm going,

You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way,
Then I heard you say,

I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I, have thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
It's then I heard you say,

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.
~Leona Lewis, Footprints in the Sand~

before and after.

one day before the day
Benjamin Button. pretty dress. yellow hairband. dinner at Rumahku and beautiful Absolut.
buckets of sweat. =p
'compact' chocolate cake.
and tonnes of loves and blessings from great friends!

the day
dinner at Kissaten. *i like to call it as kiss-a-ten. ok wert....*
Paulaner was the highlight and it's super awesome, i tell you! =)

one day after the day.
garh, can't wake up on time to go for the cell leaders training. =p
*neh, i woke up early actually ~~ to text my friends that i will be late and then i went back to sleep*
hehe..
The day one of training was good. good exposure to how church cells work and the whole thing about cell-based church. Day two of training -- tomorrow afternoon.

***

i was reminded...

chains be broken
lives be healed
eyes be opened
Christ is revealed
~You'll Come, Hillsong~

one of my bday wishes *apart from those ahem ahem wishes*

is that i will do what i felt i should do,
to follow my heart and to stand firm with that decision which i have made.

and to 'heal' lives in a different way...

*thank you for telling me that.
i will keep that in my heart and mind for the rest of my life*

***

waiting for the day after the day after the day which is tomorrow.
i don't know what my cell friends and penjang are going to do to me. *poor jiaaaaaaaa*

anywayzz.....

i want to thank all of you for throwing me bday bash and all the drinking-eating sessions and all the messages thru sms and FB and MSN. =) thank you for remembering!

jiaaaa loves you people a lotzz!

the day

=)

hehe..
just want to conteng something here on the day

i felt sooo loved... hehe

send your birthday wishes!
garh, so tak tahu malu
=p

2.56pm
jiaaaaa was born!
thank you Mum!

this CNY

back in 3rd college. going online at the dining hall. no key to go in to my room coz' the office is not opened... issshh....

that one week at home was great. i really enjoyed it although i didn't get much rest throughout that whole week.
day two at home -- worked. worked. worked.
then followed by the 5 days of CNY running around.
went visiting here and there.
met up with my f5 n f6 classmates.... ok la... once in a loooooooong while.. haha
well, that's the normal CNY stuff that my family does every year. gah... =p
but it's slightly different this year because i have my relatives from NZ with us. quite cool yeah.. =)

seriously, it's quite awesome to have the first day of CNY as your lunar birth date. haha. *bangga*