Sandakan

It was all 

unexpected love. 

To You.

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart 

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

***

I have many thoughts running through my mind. 

You are here and yet you felt that deep within you, something just doesn't seem right. You felt like you shouldn't be here, that you should be at somewhere else, doing something else. Living a different life. 

 It's funny how such feelings comes visiting again after taking such a long hiatus. So long until you thought you have overcome and finally be freed from it. You thought you are an overcomer just like how they always tell you to be. But it's always there. It has always been there. 

Who are you?

You are way too timid to talk about change. Let alone living out that change.

Who are you?

How can you leave behind that you, pretending that you never existed?

***

You are just a human. 

Stop being so selfless. It costs you way too much. 

rain.

there's no word to describe the state which i am in at the moment.

Fire.

blue.

taken at KK this Feb, somewhere along the beaches of Sutera Harbour.

i like this place. i mean like this side of the world. but not exactly this side@LD, but Sabah. 

i don't know where i want to be.
adrift, and i need to be at peace.

i wished there's an answer.

how to keep the fire burning?

up and up!

i won't give up. 

one step at a time.

I always need to remind myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. 

a long list of things waiting for me to do..

1. staple papers and soon, mark the papers.

2. take pictures for a school event that is coming soon.

3. settle the bio peka files.

4. train students for next year's basketball competition.

5. extra classes for form 5.

6. the data thingy.

7. start planning for the year end school event.

8. and get ready for the many in-betweens.

And I really hope that they will assign someone else to do the sek. berprestasi tinggi stuff because i really had enough of all this filing stuff. I am not complaining, I am just too frustrated. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

ONE STEP AT A TIME!! 

rest.

taking a break. freeing my mind.

dirty tales.

All I need is the inner peace that comes not just from God, but also from the life I am living. 

It's been a week since the KRS camp in Taliwas. There's nothing much to talk about the camp, with the usual group activities, building gadgets, marching, cooking, etc. The picture was taken at the river flowing through the Taliwas camp site. We can see the riverbed as well as the reflection with the effect of polarizer. Taliwas is quite a nice place. A good getaway from the hustle and bustle of the crazy school life that requires you to give and give and give and give and give selflessly to the good of humankind. 

Different schools may face different problems. 

I can't say for all schools.

The environment in my school does not encourage selfless giving. The people up there may say that teachers should be a selfless being, putting the students and the school-related work first. I was idealistic, I (may) still am. Therefore to a certain degree, I do kind of agree with their 'plea'. However, the surrounding is totally unsupportive of this kind of effort. Your colleagues (not all, but majority of them) don't think or feel the same as you. For them, it's just a job that some people think too highly of. They go to school, they laze around in school, they are late for class, they leave the class early, they skip class.. They do things for the sake of doing it. You may wonder why they are acting like uni/secondary school students. And with that kind of personality and attitude, they would reprimand their students for behaving the same. They scold students for sending in their work late yet the teachers themselves do not finish their tasks on time, and some teachers purposely procrastinate so that the tasks assigned to them would be passed on to those who are more hardworking. 

Please kill me!!

So tell me, how can you expect the good teachers to be productive in this kind of environment? Perhaps, some have forgotten that teachers are human too. They need motivation and appreciation. They need conducive working environment too. No or minimal actions are taken against lousy teachers who underperformed. It's one of the main reasons why the education system in this country sucks. Then another question comes - why is there no actions taken against them? Partly it's because the school needs to protect her image. Having disciplinary actions taken against those teachers would tarnish the image of the school and hence cutting off chances of the school getting titles like High Performing School, Cluster School and stuff like that. 

It's really frustrating. What's the point of all those titles that cover the school like a huge carpet, and yet when you flip the carpet, all you get is maggots everywhere???!

And why you have this kind of teachers in school? Then we may have to look into the selection of fresh grads from the uni-s and teaching colleges. Sigh. What qualifies them as a teacher? Their grades? Their aptitude and attitude? Either one or both? Some don't even have either one. Lousy grades, lousy aptitude... 

I am not good but I definitely cannot be worse than them. Sorry that I may sound cocky but truly, that's what it is and that's what I am facing at this point of life. It's hard not to be disgusted by them. It's hard to stay true to my self. It's hard not to be affected by them and start living like them. It's hard to swim against the current. God have mercy on us!! 

Of course, I cannot discredit the good ones. But I don't get at least 50% of good ones from the 100% I have in school. 

It just makes me feel terrible. It's like you are fighting alone for a country that still considers you a stranger, a passerby, that judges you based on your skin colour and religion. Face it, that's the fact. Racism and discrimination have always been there, but they cannot be more prevalent in any other ages than now. 

Woe to those white-washed tombs!

I try to treat people with honesty and good will. But now I think my naïveté has cost me a lot. I don't mind carrying out the assignments given to me but don't take me for granted just because I seldom say NO. 

From where I am right now..

Teaching is a good profession when the environment is good. I have good students who respect teachers and have desires to excel in studies and life (not all, but majority of them). So, it's a joy teaching them. I am willing to do more for them not because I cared about the whatever titles given to the school or any benefits that comes with those ridiculous titles and recognitions. I am simply being a decent human being for carrying out my responsibilities. I want them to get good grades - good grades that come from gaining and applying the knowledge and skills passed on to them. Sigh, but no matter how idealistic it may sound, I still have to bow down to the fact that schools are just another mass-production factory. 

I hope you know it is very tiring to keep living like that. 

If anyone tells you teaching is an easy job with lots of holidays and short working hours, I beseech you to gently rebuke them. Such stories of easy life is nothing but a cruel myth. 

If anyone mention the word 'teachers' with hints of contempt, I beseech you to remind them that there are good teachers around despite the rotten apples that always make it to the pages of newspapers. 

I stayed on because I guess there's still something I could do in the midst of hardship.

certainly.

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

Somebody That I used to Know

april.

I need some photography outings to pull myself away from the tension that comes with the heavy workload. 

Perhaps the KRS camp in Taliwas during the next weekend could help a bit. But the thing is, i would have to brave through a series of crazy works before the day of KRS camp arrives. Well, not that i am very looking forward to it anyway. 

The picture above was taken at Tanjung Aru during the March school break. It's one of the best places to go for sunsets in KK.

**

I think i really need to be less friendly and helpful to the people around me.

Indeed, it's not easy to be a good person.

**

i want to follow you

on a journey that never ends.

But sadly, that's not the reality.

Our love has fallen victim to circumstance.

A point of no return.

unknown.

wait. and. see.

the first quarter of the year.

it's been tough. school is tough. there are many things to do. and things happened in crazy ways that forced me to retreat to my hiding place and put on masks. everyday.

i will never win this game.

we are fighting a losing battle. against every wrong thing in this system.

i am angry. i am frustrated. but i don't know how to show it to the people who created those unnecessary tensions, partly because i am the kind of person who avoids conflicts.

this is no good.

****

maybe we need a change of environment.

but i sensed reluctance in me. and fear.

fear

On the way up to Laban Rata.

of the

unknown.

one step at a time.

You kept me going.

*

Even through the darkest phase

Be it thick or thin

Always someone marches brave

Here beneath my skin

And constant craving

Has always been

**

please don't lie to me.

i'm too tired to continue with this kind of lies.

the day has come

The long awaited event has finally come.

It was worth the pain and struggle to go all the way up to Mt. Kinabalu.
I walked on my own most of the time. And after talking with a few friends, then only i realised that actually it can be pretty dangerous to hike alone. ermm..


The whole trip is like my own 'song of ascent'. and indeed, psalm 121 turned out to be very real.

we took the Mesilau - Mt K - Timpohon.
For more pictures, you can go here.

this was taken during the first stop upon reaching KM 1.

South Peak.
We didn't get to see the canggih-manggih sunrise scenery.
It was very cloudy and the wind was blowing very strongly.

as a conclusion, it was a really good trip. i didn't expect myself to reach the summit and get the colourful cert. :p
I am truly thankful that God has sustained me throughout the journey. He has been my help thus far.

the risk.

this is one of my favourite picture. there's a plane at the upper right corner.

sunsets and seaside always have such healing effect on me.

it has been a struggle to carry on.

the risk is not worth taking.

i may end up losing everything.

clouds

Lihat ke arah sana

Serakan warna dan berarakan

Awan

Pabila terik panas

Segera hadirnya memayungi diri

Pabila kau dahaga

Sesegera turun hujan melimpahkan kasihnya

Pabila kau katakan

Akulah awan itu yang kau mahu

Begitulah awan nano

Setia melindungi diri

Tika panas mencuba menggores pipi

Dan bibirmu

Begitulah awan nano

Sering saja tak terduga hadir

Dan tak akan tercapai jejarimu

Kasihnya

Kasih tiada banding

Setia tiada tara

Bagaimanapun jua

Awan kekasih sebenarmu sayang

Walaupun tak akan tercapai jejarimu

Lihat diriku ini

Yang sesekali pernah kau bagaikan awan

Sehingga tak mungkin terlupa

Berikan belas sedari dulu

Sehingga tak mungkin termampu saksi

Setitis pun air matamu kasihku

Sehingga kau katakan

Akulah awan itu yang kau rindu

Akulah awanmu yang sedia

Melindungi dirimu tika panas mencuba

Menggores pipi

Dan bibirmu

Akulah awanmu yang sering kau rindu

Dan tak terduga hadirmu walau tak tercapai

Jejarimu

Kasihku

Kasih tiada banding setia tiada tara

Bagaimanapun jua

Aku pelindung dirimu sayang

Walaupun tak akan tercapai jejarimu

Begitulah awan nano

Setia melindungi diri tika panas mencuba

Menggores pipi

Dan bibirmu

Begitulah awan nano

Sering saja tak terduga hadir

Dan tak akan tercapai jejarimu

Kasihku

Kasih tiada banding setia tiada tara

Bagaimanapun jua

Aku pelindung dirimu sayang

Walaupun tak akan tercapai jejarimu

**

27.

Life has been super busy ever since the year started.

School events one after another. I have stopped my extra classes for a few weeks due to tests and other stuff. The recent week was the toughest. School replacement on Saturday. And almost everyday i worked from 6 to 6. what a record!

Next week is going to be the zone basketball competition in Miri. Yet, i won't be going with the players. I am hoping for the best and may all the time spent practising doesn't go wasted. And i will be heading for The Climb.

The stress at work can be pretty overwhelming at times.

I have got an unending to-do-list. and that includes covering other people's asses.

it's only march and 3 more quarters to go!

I will fight til the end! ROAR!!

If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out,

how can you compete with horses?

If you stumble in safe country,

how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?

Jer 12:5

**

There were times i gave serious thoughts about that.

I wonder if that risk is worth taking.

Moments like this is probably one of the weakest times a person can get.

Kasihku

Kasih tiada banding

Setia tiada tara

that's it.

nothing will change.