dirty tales.

All I need is the inner peace that comes not just from God, but also from the life I am living. 

It's been a week since the KRS camp in Taliwas. There's nothing much to talk about the camp, with the usual group activities, building gadgets, marching, cooking, etc. The picture was taken at the river flowing through the Taliwas camp site. We can see the riverbed as well as the reflection with the effect of polarizer. Taliwas is quite a nice place. A good getaway from the hustle and bustle of the crazy school life that requires you to give and give and give and give and give selflessly to the good of humankind. 

Different schools may face different problems. 

I can't say for all schools.

The environment in my school does not encourage selfless giving. The people up there may say that teachers should be a selfless being, putting the students and the school-related work first. I was idealistic, I (may) still am. Therefore to a certain degree, I do kind of agree with their 'plea'. However, the surrounding is totally unsupportive of this kind of effort. Your colleagues (not all, but majority of them) don't think or feel the same as you. For them, it's just a job that some people think too highly of. They go to school, they laze around in school, they are late for class, they leave the class early, they skip class.. They do things for the sake of doing it. You may wonder why they are acting like uni/secondary school students. And with that kind of personality and attitude, they would reprimand their students for behaving the same. They scold students for sending in their work late yet the teachers themselves do not finish their tasks on time, and some teachers purposely procrastinate so that the tasks assigned to them would be passed on to those who are more hardworking. 

Please kill me!!

So tell me, how can you expect the good teachers to be productive in this kind of environment? Perhaps, some have forgotten that teachers are human too. They need motivation and appreciation. They need conducive working environment too. No or minimal actions are taken against lousy teachers who underperformed. It's one of the main reasons why the education system in this country sucks. Then another question comes - why is there no actions taken against them? Partly it's because the school needs to protect her image. Having disciplinary actions taken against those teachers would tarnish the image of the school and hence cutting off chances of the school getting titles like High Performing School, Cluster School and stuff like that. 

It's really frustrating. What's the point of all those titles that cover the school like a huge carpet, and yet when you flip the carpet, all you get is maggots everywhere???!

And why you have this kind of teachers in school? Then we may have to look into the selection of fresh grads from the uni-s and teaching colleges. Sigh. What qualifies them as a teacher? Their grades? Their aptitude and attitude? Either one or both? Some don't even have either one. Lousy grades, lousy aptitude... 

I am not good but I definitely cannot be worse than them. Sorry that I may sound cocky but truly, that's what it is and that's what I am facing at this point of life. It's hard not to be disgusted by them. It's hard to stay true to my self. It's hard not to be affected by them and start living like them. It's hard to swim against the current. God have mercy on us!! 

Of course, I cannot discredit the good ones. But I don't get at least 50% of good ones from the 100% I have in school. 

It just makes me feel terrible. It's like you are fighting alone for a country that still considers you a stranger, a passerby, that judges you based on your skin colour and religion. Face it, that's the fact. Racism and discrimination have always been there, but they cannot be more prevalent in any other ages than now. 

Woe to those white-washed tombs!

I try to treat people with honesty and good will. But now I think my naïveté has cost me a lot. I don't mind carrying out the assignments given to me but don't take me for granted just because I seldom say NO. 

From where I am right now..

Teaching is a good profession when the environment is good. I have good students who respect teachers and have desires to excel in studies and life (not all, but majority of them). So, it's a joy teaching them. I am willing to do more for them not because I cared about the whatever titles given to the school or any benefits that comes with those ridiculous titles and recognitions. I am simply being a decent human being for carrying out my responsibilities. I want them to get good grades - good grades that come from gaining and applying the knowledge and skills passed on to them. Sigh, but no matter how idealistic it may sound, I still have to bow down to the fact that schools are just another mass-production factory. 

I hope you know it is very tiring to keep living like that. 

If anyone tells you teaching is an easy job with lots of holidays and short working hours, I beseech you to gently rebuke them. Such stories of easy life is nothing but a cruel myth. 

If anyone mention the word 'teachers' with hints of contempt, I beseech you to remind them that there are good teachers around despite the rotten apples that always make it to the pages of newspapers. 

I stayed on because I guess there's still something I could do in the midst of hardship.

lest i forget.

Soon, this year is coming to an end.

The past one month has been crazily busy! CRAZY!!!!

Looking at the analysis of the results for F2 Maths final exam, i couldn't believe i have made it through another year with tonnes and tonnes of hard work, sweat and tears. And indeed, there's reward at the end of the race. i must say that i am pretty impressed with my self. :)

"be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God,
failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.
Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down,
and when your herds and flocks grow large
and gold increase and all you have is multiplied,
then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God,
who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."
Deut 8:13-14

There were many opportunities to push myself to do more this year.

In this final week of school, i guess there's no better time to rethink and reflect on all that i have gone through.

it's been a fruitful year. and i know i have really done my very best in everything that i laid hand upon.

*great experience in Kuching for basketball competition. that was one of the most exciting times of the year where there's adrenaline pump everyday for one whole week.

*extra maths classes for the E Gang that bore fruit where all of them went from an E (fail) to at least a C, one even went from E to A. Ok la, except one boy la, he failed ALL his maths paper this year, oh poor thing. Anyway, it feels good to see their eyes lightened up when they got their maths papers. And it feels even better when they came back to thank you before they leave school for holiday.

*f4 bio - during Sept test, i scolded (this is an overstatement) a boy who got 7 out of 40 objective questions correct. i told him if he were to do this again, he is going to TELAN the OMR paper. And guess what, he passed his bio paper this time and improved a whole lot in other subjects too! Oh gosh. it's pretty unbelievable. well, i am glad that he put in effort to make things better for himself.

*f5 bio - i have really done all that i could. it's up to God to make things work. i have to remind myself that whatever the outcome is, it cannot be my fault anymore. Simply because i have done my best to teach them, to do extra classes, to meet some of them for 'private' tuition.

*Borneo Jungle School - what a great experience living in the jungle! A sakai like me have seen so little of the real world. The best moment - standing in the dark, all torch-lights were off, all you see is the starry night with all those weird weird sounds of insects.

*The sacrificial cow - that was the first time i saw how people slaughter a cow for Ibadah Qorban. And funny as it is, i kinda turned it into a science lesson while the adults are butchering the cow. I didn't know that the trachea of a cow is as big as the pipe that is fixed at the washing machine for the water to flow out. The best thing, haha.. the heart of the cow. For this i know why i identify so much with Cristina in Grey's.

Of course, not to forget the great times spent traveling around.. March Kundasang-Sandakan-LD trip, April-August Sandakan trip, April KK trip... with friends coming to visit.. blah blah blah.. :)

It's not just a bed of roses. i just don't feel like wasting time to count those thorns.

And tomorrow, i have one more assignment to do - kursus in semporna. hehe.

Enough of typing for the day!

Let's trade shoes

I am pretty fed up with this certain thing that happens every now and then.

I have always walked the second mile. I dare not say for 'all situations in my life', but at least many of them. I try not to be calculative when it comes to carrying out the task given. I will do my best to get them all done as the way you wanted it. If a certain people couldn't get theirs done, I'm fine with you asking me to help out. That's because Someone walked and is still walking the second mile for me and my conscience tells me that it's good to help people and I still have an able body and I just want the whatever event we are working on goes well in the end of the day and we can all go back happily.

This mindset works for one time. two times. three times. four times.

There will come a time where it takes such a huge effort to think that way.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

You always get your job done, on time, near perfection or nothing less than that, because you feel that leaving behind crap for someone else to clean up is a bad thing to do. And yet, you are the one always cleaning up other people's crap.

The good person next to you tell you that you should just do the same like them. Why care so much when no one give a darn about you when you are busy cleaning other people's crap?

You know there's truth in that short speech but because of conscience, you couldn't stoop down to that level. That filthy level of leaving behind unfinished business for the next person to suffer. And yet, you also couldn't come to terms with your altruistic behaviour.

You suffer.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

There's many hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] people around who will get their job done on time. They will even cover for you if you couldn't finish yours. But of course, it's better that you can get yourself away from those task. Avoid here avoid there. Best way to avoid, simply do so that next time no one dares to ask you to do anything. SAVED!

Well, if you are that unlucky, like what you read earlier - simply do lar! Just go and show your face a bit, arrange some pots and chairs, and then disappear right away so that no one can catch you and order you to make things look nicer and better. Leave those to the hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics].

You don't care what others say. You don't care if they say you are sluggish, lazy, etc. You don't care, because in the end, you still get paid more or less the same as those dumb-dumbs.

Why make your life so miserable when you can opt for the more relaxed one?

Conscience? What's conscience? Some years down the road, sure you have ample time to amend those 'misdeeds'. Most important is, at this moment you are happily receiving your pay with a lousy performance any tom-dick-and-harry can give.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

At the end of the day, we all sit at the meeting table.

You will ask, "What are the strengths and weaknesses of the program?"

Then someone will say, "All of us give full cooperation throughout the preparation for the event and therefore the event went on smoothly. We all worked with each other very well."

COOPERATION TOP LEVEL

because we the hardworking ones [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] cleaned up those useless people's crap.

Happy ending.

that's me trying

Green turtle hatchling.

i have been trying very hard to make things work.

but the harder i try, the more i fear.

this is really sickening.

The rough weeks after The Turtle Trip.

Chagar Hutang, Gloomy Morning with turtle trails

i have been working 6 days a week for 3 consecutive weeks.

long hours of meetings.

night classes.

the-very-terrible-bio and the-terrible-maths results.

after-school activities.

i thought of the mama turtles.

and i know i must press on, in whatever i am doing and planning to do.

i won't let you bring me down.

this is

*wait for it....*

Classic!!!!!!

exams is boring. marking papers is frustrating.

and here comes a classic example ...
telling you that i don't teach and my students have learned nothing from me, not even common sense and basic understanding of English.

let me BANANA-fied you!!!

the expected answers - something related to tissue culture/cloning and its advantages.


i wonder what's going through her mind...

i think
there must be lots and lots and lots of banana treesssss and bananas
floating in the air while she's answering the question.

i think it's pretty pointless for me to go back to school at night to give extra classes.

what a waste of [my]time.

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

Be as wise as serpent

and as meek as doves.

*

i think the world is a very bad place and there's a lot of mean people out there.... looking for chances to bring you down, to back stab you, to kill your spirit, to twist your dreams.

*_#

this kind of reality really upsets me.

*

i think some people can be so bad that they will do all kinds of things to sabotage you. they will step on you as if you're the rungs of their ladder to go higher.

mean people. i really don't get their point of doing that. ok, it probably makes them look good.

bongok betul.

*

some people are particularly helpful.

they only know how to say

i don't know.

ok, sometimes they also give a longer version of i don't know ...

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

they don't even bother to give suggestions...

to me, that the most irresponsible thing a 'leader' can say to the people working WITH him/her. (not FOR him/her!)

haih. bodoh betul la some people. Cis, bedebah!

****

why are they like that waaaaannnnn?????

TBT!!!!!!

still at work

i am waiting for time to fly pass.

past two weeks - busy and yet it was kind of fun. i still have to find time to do the special class for the form 5 who failed last year's bio paper.

it has been raining quite frequently and seriously, that's a very bad thing because we can't have our basketball training. and the condition of the basketball is pretty THM, even that is an understatement.


it's going to be a loooong week because i will be home alone.



tomorrow i have to teach PE, again.



i am looking forward to the next getaway.

知足常乐

i don't know why they translated that into 'we care, we grow, we grow together'.

contentment brings happiness.

this was taken last Sunday, before picking up my housemate from the airport. i actually wanted to take picture of the plane landing on the air strip. so i stopped the car by the roadside and waited for the plane. so cool, right? the adrenaline rush was awesome. my heart beat so fast as the plane began to land.

:)

i didn't get any nice touching down shots but i got this.
contentment brings happiness.


it's something of positive encouragement but my eyes see only jimo-ness,
especially after changing that into black and white.

i do not want to get 'over-contented' and end up being stuck at the same place for the rest of my life.
how should i strike the balance?

school life has been super busy ever since the year started. last week was the worst week i ever had. it was disappointing and i was utterly disgusted by how some situations turned out to be. i tried to be helpful and i ended up being back-stabbed, being accused as an irresponsible teacher. it became my fault. how could they? it was really sickening. i could feel my heart being squeezed out of its blood the moment i heard about the 'story' that was being circulated. gosh. i couldn't believe how brainlessly unhelpful some people are, everything also i don't know i don't know. tell me, what do you know? it's really tiring. i work as a teacher, i don't sell myself into this profession. don't drive me around and make me your slave, oh you pharaoh! to teach is to touch a life forever. that can be true if you are doing things out of your freewill. with the kind of system i am in - it killed my joy, it robbed my passion, it poisoned my mind, it sapped all my strength, it crushed my spirit, it shrunk my mind.

that's the problem in this system.

i will be in KK next monday, and then in Kuching from tuesday til friday for basketball competition. And awesome, i will be going for my 2nd Kundasang road trip right after my Kuching trip. i'm hoping to get nicer pictures after having known how the place is like and with some better plannings. go to kinabalu park. go to the cow place. go for sunrise.

:)

we are all survivors in our own THM situations.

the cycle.

You are a slave under the tyranny of the pharaoh. You are a robot with amazing abilities to multitask. You are made from steel. You run on battery that is WAY beyond the power of Energizer. You don't know the meaning of 'getting/feeling tired'. You are married to the school and the students are your children and your colleagues are your in-laws, sharing the same husband and having the same kids. You have no life other than giving all your heart, soul, mind, strength,and time to the school. Your favourite pastime is doing kerja amal. You are selfless. You are dedicated. You desire no rewards, nor appreciation.

You have a sincere heart.

But you are also like a piece of meat on the chopping board. You live under the mercy of the one holding the knife. You are not to stand up and speak up. You are to follow orders and directions. There is no empowerment. There is no enablement. There is little growth, if not no. There's no room for self-discovery but there's plenty of control forces all around.

You are a product of the system and now you are a part of that system.




You were a student.
Now you are a teacher.





The vicious cycle continues.

[The End]

The start of the end.

I like counting down.

i have already counted the weeks. 5 weeks (including this week) to March 1 week break. Then another 10 weeks to mid year break.
Well, it's going to be a crazy 16 weeks in that THM place. i told myself that i will give my best shot in the remaining months. like it or not.

and some days ago i saw this.

"Why stay if your heart is elsewhere? With you departing, the vacant space awaits yet another star ready to be groomed and shine"

It's so true.

I am taking the risk.

***

There will be a basketball competition by the end of February. Weekday evenings and weekend mornings will be taken up by the training sessions. Then, there will be some special class for the f5 students who failed their bio during last year's final exam. Then, there will be some weekly extra bio class for f5 students to finish off the syllabus. Then i have to figure out how best to teach f4 Cell Division. Then i have to continue pushing the f2 kids in Maths.

And i have to remind myself - do one thing at a time.

i'll be fine. and you'll be fine too.

this January

practice makes perfect. 195 is an awesome number.





:)
test me test me.

and i am truly glad that holiday is coming SOON and i can get out from this THM place, although it's just for a week plus!
school -- i am so lazy to talk about school. i realized i have not been blogging about school since it started. OK, maybe i should give a brief update. i am teaching form 2 Maths (AGAIN!) - a boys-only, and a girls-only class; form 4 Bio; form 5 Bio. A total of 18 periods a week. Itu saje. I should be somewhat free but in fact, i feel that i'm busier than before. i guess that's life under the new regime.

whateverlar.

holiday is coming soon. and february will fly pass. and it will be march!
then it's going to be april and soon, may!
and then that's it!
*i hoped, no, i will ensure that!*

i am a rock star, baybeh!

i attended meetings

this is the book i bring along whenever i go for staff meetings. *since last year*


and this is what i do during staff meetings. yes. paying attention. to my world map.

:)

this makes meetings superbly bearable

14 days left

and it will be the end of year 1!

tomorrow i will be doing my second last photoshooting assignment for the school. next week's co-c day will be the last one for the year.

there will be one more hospital visitation with the form 3 students, happening on the coming thursday.

the deepavali's weekend - i will be up in Kundasang, hoping to get some good pictures to feed my jimo-ness.

i have been spending time reading two books (or three, in fact). The Pilgrim's Progress (abridged version) is pretty interesting. The Life of Mahatma Gandhi is inspiring. God is Back - How The Global Rise of Faith is Changing the World is eye-opening, although the book focuses mainly on America and Europe.

school work. almost done. *i think*

perhaps i should look back at the entries from the beginning of the year to see how i have evolved within the first year in this THM place.

Question of the day__________

What is the state of your mind?

the less i give, the more i get back

it's already 11am. 5 more minutes to go.

you refill your marker pens, look through the stacks of papers you are bringing to class, make sure you are also bringing the marking scheme for paper 1, 2, and 3.

ok, it's time.

and you walk to the classroom. they greet you, say their prayers and then sit down.

in the class, there's only 17 out of 21 students. one of them is not even from your class. well, never mind. you carry on with what you have planned. you return the papers to them. in your heart, you are amazed that some of them can be so happy with their THM performance (ok, maybe they are expecting the worst); some of them can be so apathetic; some of them have the ability to show you their darn face as if they are very smart but actually their results is nothing but a laughing stock.

very funny, right?

you have been taught by your own experience - learn to care less, just do whatever you are paid to do, deliver the darn lesson, get out from the class. Do not get so emotionally attached to these people (a selected few, yea, acceptable and that's enough). to them, you are just another teacher who (so happened) is posted to their school and they are going to leave school by the end of next year anyway.

so you go through all the questions in paper 2 and in your heart you wonder how many percent of what you have discussed actually registered in their brains. you have to battle with time and you have to keep waking that particular few sleepy heads up. you have never wanted to scold them because it's a waste of time and secretly, you don't really care that much. it reaches a point where you choose only to focus on those who are following your lesson. why should you neglect the good ones for the sake of those THM ones? and don't know since when, you have turned into a follower of academic elitism.

you are told to simplify the things you teach, make things easier to accommodate the slower ones. but the problem is, any more simplified version than those you teach will make you look like a fool. you couldn't stoop any lower. you are already feeling like a great fool for teaching watered down syllabus. Imagine yourself sitting down like your students watching you teach. You will laugh and wonder what's wrong with this teacher going through the same old things again and again and again. and again. and again and some of them still couldn't get it. Don't you realize some of your students are feeling that way? Don't you realize some of the good ones feel neglected because you have been focusing quite too much on the not so good ones? And yet the not so good ones didn't even budge a centimeter from where they have been.

You realized that. and you wonder if it's your fault for not helping the good ones do better; or is it your fault that those brats never moved a centimeter.

well, you are forgiving towards those good ones who dozed off once in a while because they can afford to do so. and then you have these few students who are constantly on a ride towards their wonderland somewhere out there. once upon a time, you tried to motivate them to study. but sorry to say, after some time, you realize that you don't have enough self-motivation to go around or share with them.

out of 17, only 4 of them are constantly paying attention to what you say and they are alive because they are responding to you. and again, one of them is not even from your class. the rest, they are just floating around. Like zombies.

your conclusion - there's a cantonese saying that goes like this

"烂 泥 扶 唔 上 壁"

Apply this saying into your situation - as Suit puts it,

helping your students improve
and climb up the ladder of success
is like coaxing watered down clay to go up a wall

you put aside the frustration that is raging in your heart. questions after questions. for the love of the subject, you discuss your heart out like how people cry their hearts out or laugh until their lungs burst. Finally the clock strikes 12.25pm. thank You and thank you class. you walk out and get ready for another such cycle.

to some, this is just another normal classroom scene. to some, you are considered lucky because you don't need to shout or yell or cane or waste half the period just to get the students ready for lesson. you are lucky because most of your students can answer more than half the papers with reasonable answers and not simply doodling and scribbling the papers. By the way, what is the definition of lucky?

shouldn't you be contented with life in this place because you are such a lucky girl?


--------------------------------------
friend, i think you should never be contented with this kind of life simply because this is not you. you thought this was you but your THM life in this place shows you that something has gone wrong somewhere. you deserve something better and you deserve the opportunity to embark on a search for the one you once were, to reconcile the old and new you, even if it might take you quite some time; even if it means taking risk and losing the so called iron-rice-bowl.

and let me remind you, the less you give, the more you get back. Most importantly, you get back your sanity.

do i care?

i had one of the busiest days in school.


one of the girls in my class got kicked out from school.

then, the student who wrote 'read bismillah before eating to prevent development of cancer cells' was kicked out from school.

and the student who wrote about bowel movement has also been kicked out from school.

i am their form teacher.






and all happened within 2 weeks.


i am having a bad sore throat.

most of my students barely passed their bio and they ARE happy and satisfied.



i'm tired.

can't fight biology.

*gee, it's the title for Grey's season 7, episode 4*

and so, as i have predicted -- bio results is a hell of disaster.

paper 1 - majority of them gets 20 something over 50.

paper 2 - i am halfway through marking their papers. maybe there will be a few of them (can count with fingers using EITHER my left, or right hand) get 50-ish over 100.

paper 3 - hoho, majority gets 20-ish over 50.

i have discussed the above questions 3-4 times ever since we covered the chapter on Enzymes, right until before the bio papers.

basically, the question asks the students to explain why the *smart* housewife marinates cutlets of meat with strips of papaya and put it in a basin containing warm water.
use your brain to apply some knowledge of biology - cutlets and strips is to increase surface area. papaya contains enzyme papain that can tenderize the meat.
warm water is to provide optimum temperature for enzymatic reaction.

easy, right?
gosh, there are still students who couldn't answer it correctly,
giving me ALL SORTS of crap.
like the example given above -- she answered in a way as if she is preparing some cooking recipe.

the question above asks for ways to prevent development of cancer cells.
what can i say?
i can't deny the existence of divine power, can i?

this student - i don't know how much he has learned or remembered over the past 10 months studying biology.

his papers are one of the easiest to mark, together with a few more of them.
cross. cross. cross. and cross.

but i know he remembered one important thing i told them during one of the lessons,
and i am sure it will stick with him for the rest of his life.

the meaning of bowel movement and pass motion.
oh crap.

the marks for the whole bio paper? i think they can barely get a pass for it.

i am just a docile house cat

*ouchh... *

i'm alright, don't i seem to be?
cat pic #2
***

yesterday was a weird day. today was a weird day, too.

i am in such a state where i am feeling utterly defeated by circumstances of life and people around me.

everyday i go to school, i am reminded of how terribly i failed.

"Failure teaches success," says the slogan of a form 4 class.

when i enter my math classes, i see the word failure all over their faces, like how people see food -humans everywhere when they are trying lose weight by denying themselves the most important thing to them. it's like i have failed to enable them to perform well in maths. when i mark their exercises, i don't just see their correct/wrong workings and answers, i also see the word failure all over the pages. some of them always give me ridiculous answers. and i always wanted to give them a good scolding. as i marked the exercises, i thought about the things i want to lash out on them in the next lesson. however, when i went in to the class, i purred like a cat instead of roaring like a lioness (or tigress, whichever will do). i failed to even scold them.

at the end of every lesson, most of the time they are able to answer the questions i give them. isn't that a fair indicator that they have at least understood the topics? but their maths results sucks like mad for my standard. monthly tests results sucks. mid year exams results also sucks. recent mock test results also sucks. fair prediction - it will be the same for the coming final exams. it's as if i haven't done anything in the past many months. it's as if i have been fooling and playing around and going on a miserable long holiday in such a terribly faraway land. and apparently i am guilty of a new charge against me - there is NO (or minimum) freaking correlations between the reflections in my lesson plan with their ridiculous maths results.

there's this girl who tried to bodek me in the beginning of the year. she once told me she used to do well in maths, between A and B. but her maths results in form 2 is never good, she has never gotten at least a B so far. and now when i look at her face, all i see is a face with wandering thoughts and lacking of interest. did i just kill her interest in maths within a year? 2 or 3 of them have been failing most, if not all the tests and exams. is it my fault that i didn't reprimand them for doing badly? is it my fault that i allowed them to learn on their own pace which is painstakingly slow?

what should i do?

the same thing happens for bio. not to mention, science.

the form 4 had their bio papers today. last night and last thursday night, i went back to do revision with my class and some students from other classes joined us too. yes, i have to admit that i have seen the questions because i was the one having the softcopy and getting it ready for printing. i didn't purposely drop hints on the questions coming out. the students asked some good questions and we discussed the facts and the answering techniques. and yes, some of the questions they asked really did come out. and therefore to some, it seems like i leaked out the questions. my fault, again.

even if what i did is considered as leaking out questions, my class still didn't do well.

i failed to speak the maths lingo, or the bio lingo or the science lingo that can register in their minds.

am i expecting too much?

i really felt defeated. purposeless. void.

oh sigh.

let's trade shoes

i guess we would have to walk a mile
in each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
what it's like, to be me
i'll be you, let's trade shoes
just to see what it'd be like

to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others mind
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through each others eyes
-Beautiful, Eminem-

*

36 to go. the counting down and complaining make me look like some kind of ungrateful idiots. haha. there's nothing much in school, except covering the work left behind by some people, doing some revision with the math classes, marking papers.. planning for the hospital visitation in November. Math revision has been super disastrous.

treat them with as much respect as you can muster,
teach with as much passion as you can find.
- shen -

i'm trying my best.
they make me feel like i'm a big time failure. yeah, i think that's the word for the year.

*
old pictures of you and me
when we were young and were free

my laptop died and resurrected for the second time. everything within it is gone. gone. i don't even want to describe how angry, how frustrated i am. sigh.

i need something to keep my sanity.

another day at work

education and empowerment training can show girls
that femininity does not entail docility,
and can nurture assertiveness so that
girls and women can
stand up for themselves.

Half The Sky - How to Change the World,

Nicholas D. K. & Sheryl W.

what happens when a teacher talks about gender inequality to an audience of 16-year-old students?

it's the best day ever!
50 more to go.