Let's trade shoes

I am pretty fed up with this certain thing that happens every now and then.

I have always walked the second mile. I dare not say for 'all situations in my life', but at least many of them. I try not to be calculative when it comes to carrying out the task given. I will do my best to get them all done as the way you wanted it. If a certain people couldn't get theirs done, I'm fine with you asking me to help out. That's because Someone walked and is still walking the second mile for me and my conscience tells me that it's good to help people and I still have an able body and I just want the whatever event we are working on goes well in the end of the day and we can all go back happily.

This mindset works for one time. two times. three times. four times.

There will come a time where it takes such a huge effort to think that way.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

You always get your job done, on time, near perfection or nothing less than that, because you feel that leaving behind crap for someone else to clean up is a bad thing to do. And yet, you are the one always cleaning up other people's crap.

The good person next to you tell you that you should just do the same like them. Why care so much when no one give a darn about you when you are busy cleaning other people's crap?

You know there's truth in that short speech but because of conscience, you couldn't stoop down to that level. That filthy level of leaving behind unfinished business for the next person to suffer. And yet, you also couldn't come to terms with your altruistic behaviour.

You suffer.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

There's many hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] people around who will get their job done on time. They will even cover for you if you couldn't finish yours. But of course, it's better that you can get yourself away from those task. Avoid here avoid there. Best way to avoid, simply do so that next time no one dares to ask you to do anything. SAVED!

Well, if you are that unlucky, like what you read earlier - simply do lar! Just go and show your face a bit, arrange some pots and chairs, and then disappear right away so that no one can catch you and order you to make things look nicer and better. Leave those to the hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics].

You don't care what others say. You don't care if they say you are sluggish, lazy, etc. You don't care, because in the end, you still get paid more or less the same as those dumb-dumbs.

Why make your life so miserable when you can opt for the more relaxed one?

Conscience? What's conscience? Some years down the road, sure you have ample time to amend those 'misdeeds'. Most important is, at this moment you are happily receiving your pay with a lousy performance any tom-dick-and-harry can give.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

At the end of the day, we all sit at the meeting table.

You will ask, "What are the strengths and weaknesses of the program?"

Then someone will say, "All of us give full cooperation throughout the preparation for the event and therefore the event went on smoothly. We all worked with each other very well."

COOPERATION TOP LEVEL

because we the hardworking ones [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] cleaned up those useless people's crap.

Happy ending.

the Hills are alive.

I have this picture hanging on the wall of my Shack. And I think it gives me the calmness i need.

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept [certain] things as they are, despite the rage that is growing within us like wild fire, enough to consume everything that crosses our path.

It feels terrible to know that you are put on the same weighing scale and you weigh the same as those useless people who are not even worth mentioning about. You are all selected. I don't understand how some people can be so dumb. Or they just act dumb and have no sense of responsibility, accountability.. and maturity.

The long hours of waiting in the airport two weeks ago made me end up with Frank McCourt's Teacher Man. Half way through and there's quite a lot of things he wrote about which hit home.

*

上有天， 下有地， 中间有良心。

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

that's me trying

Green turtle hatchling.

i have been trying very hard to make things work.

but the harder i try, the more i fear.

this is really sickening.

holiday!

jia is going for turtle trip this friday.

May was a crazy angry month.

two weeks of freedom from sch = breathe freely = happy

i told the students that i shall accumulate my anger and frustrations and let in out when sch reopens... and thank them for giving me rubbish to mark ..

and what's up after the school break?

f5 BIO classes!!!!

adui...

and i think i should continue with the basketball training and prepare for next year. *0*

*but i'm kind of lazy*

i'm just a bit too indecisive at times.

this is

*wait for it....*

Classic!!!!!!

exams is boring. marking papers is frustrating.

and here comes a classic example ...
telling you that i don't teach and my students have learned nothing from me, not even common sense and basic understanding of English.

let me BANANA-fied you!!!

the expected answers - something related to tissue culture/cloning and its advantages.


i wonder what's going through her mind...

i think
there must be lots and lots and lots of banana treesssss and bananas
floating in the air while she's answering the question.

i think it's pretty pointless for me to go back to school at night to give extra classes.

what a waste of [my]time.

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

Be as wise as serpent

and as meek as doves.

*

i think the world is a very bad place and there's a lot of mean people out there.... looking for chances to bring you down, to back stab you, to kill your spirit, to twist your dreams.

*_#

this kind of reality really upsets me.

*

i think some people can be so bad that they will do all kinds of things to sabotage you. they will step on you as if you're the rungs of their ladder to go higher.

mean people. i really don't get their point of doing that. ok, it probably makes them look good.

bongok betul.

*

some people are particularly helpful.

they only know how to say

i don't know.

ok, sometimes they also give a longer version of i don't know ...

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

they don't even bother to give suggestions...

to me, that the most irresponsible thing a 'leader' can say to the people working WITH him/her. (not FOR him/her!)

haih. bodoh betul la some people. Cis, bedebah!

****

why are they like that waaaaannnnn?????

TBT!!!!!!

知足常乐

i don't know why they translated that into 'we care, we grow, we grow together'.

contentment brings happiness.

this was taken last Sunday, before picking up my housemate from the airport. i actually wanted to take picture of the plane landing on the air strip. so i stopped the car by the roadside and waited for the plane. so cool, right? the adrenaline rush was awesome. my heart beat so fast as the plane began to land.

:)

i didn't get any nice touching down shots but i got this.
contentment brings happiness.


it's something of positive encouragement but my eyes see only jimo-ness,
especially after changing that into black and white.

i do not want to get 'over-contented' and end up being stuck at the same place for the rest of my life.
how should i strike the balance?

school life has been super busy ever since the year started. last week was the worst week i ever had. it was disappointing and i was utterly disgusted by how some situations turned out to be. i tried to be helpful and i ended up being back-stabbed, being accused as an irresponsible teacher. it became my fault. how could they? it was really sickening. i could feel my heart being squeezed out of its blood the moment i heard about the 'story' that was being circulated. gosh. i couldn't believe how brainlessly unhelpful some people are, everything also i don't know i don't know. tell me, what do you know? it's really tiring. i work as a teacher, i don't sell myself into this profession. don't drive me around and make me your slave, oh you pharaoh! to teach is to touch a life forever. that can be true if you are doing things out of your freewill. with the kind of system i am in - it killed my joy, it robbed my passion, it poisoned my mind, it sapped all my strength, it crushed my spirit, it shrunk my mind.

that's the problem in this system.

i will be in KK next monday, and then in Kuching from tuesday til friday for basketball competition. And awesome, i will be going for my 2nd Kundasang road trip right after my Kuching trip. i'm hoping to get nicer pictures after having known how the place is like and with some better plannings. go to kinabalu park. go to the cow place. go for sunrise.

:)

we are all survivors in our own THM situations.

stop and start.

4 more days and it will be my last day in school.

honestly, i should be *darn* proud of myself for such bravo display of perseverance and survived one year in this place.

a few days ago, i actually went through all the things i posted up from the beginning of the year. i am amazed at how circumstances in life has such great power to change a person, from the inside out.

and you know what, just in case you still don't realize this - i spent my one year TRYING very hard. i need to do justice to all the effort i have put in, whether is in keeping myself intact, teaching the students, adapting to the system and the new environment, making new friends, traveling here and there, etc.

and i found this!

image taken from here


it's time to move on and stop trying.

i think there's a need to repeat this - there's nothing wrong with giving up.

14 days left

and it will be the end of year 1!

tomorrow i will be doing my second last photoshooting assignment for the school. next week's co-c day will be the last one for the year.

there will be one more hospital visitation with the form 3 students, happening on the coming thursday.

the deepavali's weekend - i will be up in Kundasang, hoping to get some good pictures to feed my jimo-ness.

i have been spending time reading two books (or three, in fact). The Pilgrim's Progress (abridged version) is pretty interesting. The Life of Mahatma Gandhi is inspiring. God is Back - How The Global Rise of Faith is Changing the World is eye-opening, although the book focuses mainly on America and Europe.

school work. almost done. *i think*

perhaps i should look back at the entries from the beginning of the year to see how i have evolved within the first year in this THM place.

Question of the day__________

What is the state of your mind?

the less i give, the more i get back

it's already 11am. 5 more minutes to go.

you refill your marker pens, look through the stacks of papers you are bringing to class, make sure you are also bringing the marking scheme for paper 1, 2, and 3.

ok, it's time.

and you walk to the classroom. they greet you, say their prayers and then sit down.

in the class, there's only 17 out of 21 students. one of them is not even from your class. well, never mind. you carry on with what you have planned. you return the papers to them. in your heart, you are amazed that some of them can be so happy with their THM performance (ok, maybe they are expecting the worst); some of them can be so apathetic; some of them have the ability to show you their darn face as if they are very smart but actually their results is nothing but a laughing stock.

very funny, right?

you have been taught by your own experience - learn to care less, just do whatever you are paid to do, deliver the darn lesson, get out from the class. Do not get so emotionally attached to these people (a selected few, yea, acceptable and that's enough). to them, you are just another teacher who (so happened) is posted to their school and they are going to leave school by the end of next year anyway.

so you go through all the questions in paper 2 and in your heart you wonder how many percent of what you have discussed actually registered in their brains. you have to battle with time and you have to keep waking that particular few sleepy heads up. you have never wanted to scold them because it's a waste of time and secretly, you don't really care that much. it reaches a point where you choose only to focus on those who are following your lesson. why should you neglect the good ones for the sake of those THM ones? and don't know since when, you have turned into a follower of academic elitism.

you are told to simplify the things you teach, make things easier to accommodate the slower ones. but the problem is, any more simplified version than those you teach will make you look like a fool. you couldn't stoop any lower. you are already feeling like a great fool for teaching watered down syllabus. Imagine yourself sitting down like your students watching you teach. You will laugh and wonder what's wrong with this teacher going through the same old things again and again and again. and again. and again and some of them still couldn't get it. Don't you realize some of your students are feeling that way? Don't you realize some of the good ones feel neglected because you have been focusing quite too much on the not so good ones? And yet the not so good ones didn't even budge a centimeter from where they have been.

You realized that. and you wonder if it's your fault for not helping the good ones do better; or is it your fault that those brats never moved a centimeter.

well, you are forgiving towards those good ones who dozed off once in a while because they can afford to do so. and then you have these few students who are constantly on a ride towards their wonderland somewhere out there. once upon a time, you tried to motivate them to study. but sorry to say, after some time, you realize that you don't have enough self-motivation to go around or share with them.

out of 17, only 4 of them are constantly paying attention to what you say and they are alive because they are responding to you. and again, one of them is not even from your class. the rest, they are just floating around. Like zombies.

your conclusion - there's a cantonese saying that goes like this

"烂 泥 扶 唔 上 壁"

Apply this saying into your situation - as Suit puts it,

helping your students improve
and climb up the ladder of success
is like coaxing watered down clay to go up a wall

you put aside the frustration that is raging in your heart. questions after questions. for the love of the subject, you discuss your heart out like how people cry their hearts out or laugh until their lungs burst. Finally the clock strikes 12.25pm. thank You and thank you class. you walk out and get ready for another such cycle.

to some, this is just another normal classroom scene. to some, you are considered lucky because you don't need to shout or yell or cane or waste half the period just to get the students ready for lesson. you are lucky because most of your students can answer more than half the papers with reasonable answers and not simply doodling and scribbling the papers. By the way, what is the definition of lucky?

shouldn't you be contented with life in this place because you are such a lucky girl?


--------------------------------------
friend, i think you should never be contented with this kind of life simply because this is not you. you thought this was you but your THM life in this place shows you that something has gone wrong somewhere. you deserve something better and you deserve the opportunity to embark on a search for the one you once were, to reconcile the old and new you, even if it might take you quite some time; even if it means taking risk and losing the so called iron-rice-bowl.

and let me remind you, the less you give, the more you get back. Most importantly, you get back your sanity.

do i care?

i had one of the busiest days in school.


one of the girls in my class got kicked out from school.

then, the student who wrote 'read bismillah before eating to prevent development of cancer cells' was kicked out from school.

and the student who wrote about bowel movement has also been kicked out from school.

i am their form teacher.






and all happened within 2 weeks.


i am having a bad sore throat.

most of my students barely passed their bio and they ARE happy and satisfied.



i'm tired.

can't fight biology.

*gee, it's the title for Grey's season 7, episode 4*

and so, as i have predicted -- bio results is a hell of disaster.

paper 1 - majority of them gets 20 something over 50.

paper 2 - i am halfway through marking their papers. maybe there will be a few of them (can count with fingers using EITHER my left, or right hand) get 50-ish over 100.

paper 3 - hoho, majority gets 20-ish over 50.

i have discussed the above questions 3-4 times ever since we covered the chapter on Enzymes, right until before the bio papers.

basically, the question asks the students to explain why the *smart* housewife marinates cutlets of meat with strips of papaya and put it in a basin containing warm water.
use your brain to apply some knowledge of biology - cutlets and strips is to increase surface area. papaya contains enzyme papain that can tenderize the meat.
warm water is to provide optimum temperature for enzymatic reaction.

easy, right?
gosh, there are still students who couldn't answer it correctly,
giving me ALL SORTS of crap.
like the example given above -- she answered in a way as if she is preparing some cooking recipe.

the question above asks for ways to prevent development of cancer cells.
what can i say?
i can't deny the existence of divine power, can i?

this student - i don't know how much he has learned or remembered over the past 10 months studying biology.

his papers are one of the easiest to mark, together with a few more of them.
cross. cross. cross. and cross.

but i know he remembered one important thing i told them during one of the lessons,
and i am sure it will stick with him for the rest of his life.

the meaning of bowel movement and pass motion.
oh crap.

the marks for the whole bio paper? i think they can barely get a pass for it.

i am just a docile house cat

*ouchh... *

i'm alright, don't i seem to be?
cat pic #2
***

yesterday was a weird day. today was a weird day, too.

i am in such a state where i am feeling utterly defeated by circumstances of life and people around me.

everyday i go to school, i am reminded of how terribly i failed.

"Failure teaches success," says the slogan of a form 4 class.

when i enter my math classes, i see the word failure all over their faces, like how people see food -humans everywhere when they are trying lose weight by denying themselves the most important thing to them. it's like i have failed to enable them to perform well in maths. when i mark their exercises, i don't just see their correct/wrong workings and answers, i also see the word failure all over the pages. some of them always give me ridiculous answers. and i always wanted to give them a good scolding. as i marked the exercises, i thought about the things i want to lash out on them in the next lesson. however, when i went in to the class, i purred like a cat instead of roaring like a lioness (or tigress, whichever will do). i failed to even scold them.

at the end of every lesson, most of the time they are able to answer the questions i give them. isn't that a fair indicator that they have at least understood the topics? but their maths results sucks like mad for my standard. monthly tests results sucks. mid year exams results also sucks. recent mock test results also sucks. fair prediction - it will be the same for the coming final exams. it's as if i haven't done anything in the past many months. it's as if i have been fooling and playing around and going on a miserable long holiday in such a terribly faraway land. and apparently i am guilty of a new charge against me - there is NO (or minimum) freaking correlations between the reflections in my lesson plan with their ridiculous maths results.

there's this girl who tried to bodek me in the beginning of the year. she once told me she used to do well in maths, between A and B. but her maths results in form 2 is never good, she has never gotten at least a B so far. and now when i look at her face, all i see is a face with wandering thoughts and lacking of interest. did i just kill her interest in maths within a year? 2 or 3 of them have been failing most, if not all the tests and exams. is it my fault that i didn't reprimand them for doing badly? is it my fault that i allowed them to learn on their own pace which is painstakingly slow?

what should i do?

the same thing happens for bio. not to mention, science.

the form 4 had their bio papers today. last night and last thursday night, i went back to do revision with my class and some students from other classes joined us too. yes, i have to admit that i have seen the questions because i was the one having the softcopy and getting it ready for printing. i didn't purposely drop hints on the questions coming out. the students asked some good questions and we discussed the facts and the answering techniques. and yes, some of the questions they asked really did come out. and therefore to some, it seems like i leaked out the questions. my fault, again.

even if what i did is considered as leaking out questions, my class still didn't do well.

i failed to speak the maths lingo, or the bio lingo or the science lingo that can register in their minds.

am i expecting too much?

i really felt defeated. purposeless. void.

oh sigh.

let's trade shoes

i guess we would have to walk a mile
in each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
what it's like, to be me
i'll be you, let's trade shoes
just to see what it'd be like

to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others mind
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through each others eyes
-Beautiful, Eminem-

*

36 to go. the counting down and complaining make me look like some kind of ungrateful idiots. haha. there's nothing much in school, except covering the work left behind by some people, doing some revision with the math classes, marking papers.. planning for the hospital visitation in November. Math revision has been super disastrous.

treat them with as much respect as you can muster,
teach with as much passion as you can find.
- shen -

i'm trying my best.
they make me feel like i'm a big time failure. yeah, i think that's the word for the year.

*
old pictures of you and me
when we were young and were free

my laptop died and resurrected for the second time. everything within it is gone. gone. i don't even want to describe how angry, how frustrated i am. sigh.

i need something to keep my sanity.

the 8th month.

yesterday i went for my first street photography. the pictures aren't that great as the term 'street photography' sounds. But it was certainly a good experience.

it was a bright sunny day with blue sky and white clouds. although the afternoon sun is not a nice time to take pictures because it is sooo bright, and, so HOT, but i still went for it. geez, basically it's like a sunbathing time for me, as though my skin is not dark enough. I parked the car and started walking around for about an hour. most of my subjects are children. Adults - just a few, because i was quite scared to aim my camera at them and press the shutter. The black thing can be pretty intimidating and probably infringing their privacy. What if they chased after me for taking pictures of them? Oh well, worst-case-senario-mood in play.


I saw a woman sitting by the road side, selling indon/philipino cigarettes,

"Kak, boleh gambar?"

she shook her head

and spoke in language that i couldn't understand.

My shirt was drenched with sweat, my skin was a few tones darker, but at least i managed to get some pretty rewarding shots.

reward. yes, i prefer the instant ones to the 'N-years-down-the-road' type.

There's some kind of liberation i felt as i was walking around taking pictures. The same o' liberation i felt in Semporna. It's like i am in my own world and that's the real me. The jia in school is like an undercover - to gather information about how terrible the education system is, particularly this system i am currently in. i am so sorry that i can only complain *non-stop* about it, because obviously i can't do anything about it and i am too selfish to stay in it and work something out of nothing.

They said, "Every job has its good and bad sides. If you are really passionate about something, you will be able to thrive through the bad moments and turn them into something good and meaningful."

Be in my shoes, or some of my friends' shoes -- you will EAT YOUR WORDS!

darn it!

water-less

I have no idea what's wrong with the water tank. my housemate and i have been relying on the water from the kitchen sink. to bathe. to wash. to clean. to mop. sigh.

and the thing is -- even the water from the kitchen sink, it only comes at specific hours -- early morning for a short while, in the afternoon for 3 hours, and at night for another few hours. probably that's the reason why the water tank couldn't be filled up with water.

Collecting water has become our favourite past time.

everyday we have a total of 25 bottles of water - this water is for washing, bathing and the 'manual flushing system'. and there are another 6 bottles of filtered water for drinking and cooking purposes, and 6 more bottles of mineral water which yet to open.

i have calculated -- based on the situation we are having now, on average, we are somewhere near the recommended basic water requirement. check here.

okay, it's time to get ready the bottles. water from the kitchen sink will be coming in soon.

what kind of life.

i am like ..

so sick of feeling sorry for myself and the darn place which i have to go back in less than a week's time.

the past two weeks was filled with dramas -- trying to figure out what is it that i really wanted; trying to make some tentative plans, hoping that will help me to survive the second half of the year.

some said i should wait and see.

some said i should be more impulsive.

i don't know.

****

For the 2nd half of the year...

1. do something about 4Z's Bio -- almost half of the class failed. probably will have to start a weekly tuition class.
2. do something about 3N and 3Z's Science -- none got A for the mid year exam and they are going to sit for PMR soon. probably should psycho them because they are plain lazy. sloths!
3. push the form 2 kids like mad in their Maths. And I shall not tolerate any brainless questions from them anymore. NO way. more exercises and more exercises. i don't care if you are drowned in a sea of math questions.
4. settle the innovative and creative project by end of July.
5. settle the loan.
6. find out more about the neuro(with/without Edu) stuff.
7. continue with the basketball training.
8. cook more.
9. do something about the stupid house.
10. LOOKING FORWARD TO MY HOME-COMING IN SEPTEMBER!

What a long list!

i will be pretty busy once the school reopens. key in the marks. evaluate the innovative and creative projects submitted by students and give ideas to improve. sigh. i don't like that. prepare for the soon-to-come in-house presentation of the biology department. shucks like mad.

i am going back to that side of my world so that i can come back to this side of my world!

the drama continues!

let me *tak tahu malu* show you the *critical* condition of that place

this is the toilet in my flat. the water heater is not working any more. don't even dare to try using it because i don't want to get electrocuted. check out the plastic bag up there...

can you see a huge spider on the plastic bag?

i don't know who fixed the plastic bag there but it has started to leak..

drip.. drip.. drip.. drip..

i forgot to take a pic of the pail and the cardboard wrapped in a plastic bag.

the pail is to collect the water.. and the cardboard serves as a shield.

sigh.

so much of interesting stories, kan?

drama queen.

the point.

i have reached a point where i am trying to figure out how the heck am i going to continue my life in that place.

i am kind of getting sick of that place. sick of that job. sick of living that kind of life.

like i told you, i don't think i can do what i wanted to do or be what i wanted to be.

half a year doing that job in that place has really pushed me to the cliff and i don't know how to move on - to jump and die together with the students and the whole system, or to retreat and get out from that place and do what i am really interested in...

and stop being the shadow of someone else's life, doing things i thought i could do.

people kept asking me about life in that place, whether i have gotten used to life there or not... i know they meant well but in my heart, i really wanted to tell them straight at their face - please stop asking me that question because life there sucks and you know nothing about that place and i don't want to repeat the terrible tale about that freaking place. i am angry, i am pissed off and this feelings is amplified many fold when i see how awesome life is back at this side of my world. period.

ah, come on!

i want out

sometimes i just don't care.