this is

*wait for it....*

Classic!!!!!!

exams is boring. marking papers is frustrating.

and here comes a classic example ...
telling you that i don't teach and my students have learned nothing from me, not even common sense and basic understanding of English.

let me BANANA-fied you!!!

the expected answers - something related to tissue culture/cloning and its advantages.


i wonder what's going through her mind...

i think
there must be lots and lots and lots of banana treesssss and bananas
floating in the air while she's answering the question.

i think it's pretty pointless for me to go back to school at night to give extra classes.

what a waste of [my]time.

once

you have adapted to this kind of life...

you'll be ok.



that's how the curve works.

march is saying goodbye

and
Hello, april!

there are voices

And so this is the 3rd day of school.

cooking doesn't excite me anymore. it doesn't make me feel as happy as it used to be. probably because now i needed a higher dose of dopamine in my brain to give that kind of thrill and excitement.

probably i should play some aggressive badminton to stimulate the release of dopamine.

this is depressing.

do you think you are that good?who do you think you are?why do you want to leave?what's wrong with you?what are you going to say about the past 4 years?are you trying to run away?are you sure that's what you want to do?what if you're wrong?what if you are supposed to stay?why are you like that?why are you looking only at the bad times?no good times at all?

questions. and more questions in my mind.

it's like.. at one moment, i made up my mind on some things. and the next moment, i found myself swallowed up by a sea of questions.

and it keeps coming back.

***

Your grace is sufficient.

the point.

i have reached a point where i am trying to figure out how the heck am i going to continue my life in that place.

i am kind of getting sick of that place. sick of that job. sick of living that kind of life.

like i told you, i don't think i can do what i wanted to do or be what i wanted to be.

half a year doing that job in that place has really pushed me to the cliff and i don't know how to move on - to jump and die together with the students and the whole system, or to retreat and get out from that place and do what i am really interested in...

and stop being the shadow of someone else's life, doing things i thought i could do.

people kept asking me about life in that place, whether i have gotten used to life there or not... i know they meant well but in my heart, i really wanted to tell them straight at their face - please stop asking me that question because life there sucks and you know nothing about that place and i don't want to repeat the terrible tale about that freaking place. i am angry, i am pissed off and this feelings is amplified many fold when i see how awesome life is back at this side of my world. period.

ah, come on!

now, here's an interesting explosion

I told you before I'm a Biology teacher, also a Science teacher, as well as a Math teacher. *gah*

So far, I have only had two experiments with the Form 4 students -- the first one was about plant cells, and the second one was about osmosis. And today I had the first experiment with the Form 3 students. We were supposed to do the experiments to determine the solubility of compounds and the reaction of a certain compounds with heat.

The solubility experiment - nothing to worry about la. They just needed to add distilled water into boiling tube that contains salts like iron oxide, copper carbonate, etc.

The best part of the whole experiment this morning was.. POP! EXPLOSION!

Honestly, I am that kind of freako who imagines what are some of the bad stuff that might happen in the given situations. And when it comes to heating chemicals, I am a little worried about that.. what if the chemicals explode, what if this happens, what if that happens..

It was my first lesson of the day. The students were supposed to heat the iron sulphide to produce sulphur dioxide gas which will turn the potassium manganate (VII) from purple to a colourless solution because the gas is acidic....

I assigned 3 groups of students to carry out that part of the experiment. First two groups started while the 3rd group was taking their own sweet time. Both groups had the same problem but one of the groups, I named it The Romans *because one of the boys named Roman*, had the best experience of the day where their boiling tube broke. *oh my god....*

Let me explain to you the situation.
Materials and Apparatus : you have a boiling tube that contains iron sulphide (i gave it a yellow colour), then the boiling tube is connected to the test tube via delivery tube. The test tube contains potassium manganate (VII) which is purple in colour. The delivery tube has to be in the purple solution so that gas will straight enter into the solution.

Observe the diagram, box #1:
The Romans set up the apparatus as it is shown in the diagram and began to heat the iron sulphide.
I was at the other table monitoring the other group. This group of girls was the first to start heating. They heat the iron sulphide and the sulphur dioxide gas was channeled into the potassium manganate (VII) solution. Then we decided to stop the fire. It was truly my mistake that I didn't FIRST remove the test tube that contains the purple solution BEFORE turning off the fire. I saw the back flow of purple solution up into the delivery tube and in my heart I was like *oh my god.. shucks....!!!!!!!!* Good thing was, I managed to move the test tube away before more potassium manganate can flow into the boiling tube to cause an explosion. SAVED.

But the Romans weren't that lucky.

Box#2: While I was busy saving the girls... the Romans started heating the boiling tube. They placed the Bunsen burner on a stack of books. I saw and of course I told them to take away the books lar...so, they shifted the books together with Bunsen burner, away!!!

Box#3:
And then I was in my *Oh my god* mode again!!
I saw the purple solution rushing into the boiling tube and I was like....

Oh nooooooooooooooooo....!!!

I told them to move the test tube away... but they were too stunned and slow to respond and.....and i quickly rushed to their table and tried to move the test tube and ...

POPPPPPPP!

Box#4
A piece of glass about 1cm diameter broke and popped out from the boiling tube and fell to the floor. Smoke began to form. Some of us began to cough because of the gas that was released and purple powder all on the table and retort stand. My oh my. Thank God no one was hurt and it was just a MINI explosion....

I can't stop telling them how lucky we were *if lucky is the right word*. I was kind of traumatised by the whole incident. And seriously, I am glad that I am not teaching Chemistry. I can't imagine that kind of fear that I will have to live with if I am a Chemistry teacher. :p

Well... that's the drama I had..
The other class was also supposed to do the same experiment. Haha, I just cut off the heating part. Poor kids can only do the part on solubility.

I am still traumatised by the whole thing, k..... sheeeeshhhh

something nice.

i should think of something nice to blog about. gah. that really squeezes my brain to the max.

school has been quite a disaster. some same old grandma stories about the kids.

probably i have been toooo nice to the students and they think i am easy to be bullied, or some easy piece of meat to take down. *roar*

i need to cook.

gah.

same o' whateverlar.

A quarter at a time.

it's another week.

I felt that at this point of time, we really need to rethink what is worth fighting for, and what's not. I don't have the answer yet but I guess i needed to do this kind of reflection so that i won't go crazy and become a psycho or schizo or whatever after just weeks of teaching in school.

I can only say that we plunged into this system carrying hopes and dreams that are too idealistic for the system to handle.

Some of us have gotten quite badly wounded in less than four months. Yet, we are talking about giving ourselves a few years before getting out of it. Perhaps by then, we will be walking out of it like a zombie.

I did some kind of simple 'survey' recently. There are students who are happy with their life in residential school because they wanted/needed the protection against the big bad world out there, and they have a predictable life, and they don't need to trouble themselves with too much of changes in life. The only thing which troubles them currently is ... there's only one iron for all the female students. Probably more than 250 girls sharing one iron. Unbelievable! My disbelief is not about the darn iron. My disbelief is -- they are troubled not because of the dull routine of life and lack of positive competition and challenges, but the lack of darn freaking iron!! Do you feel my frustration here? Are you getting it? I was quite taken aback by their responses. Sigh!

It has been a pretty tough month..

that's an understatement, obviously.

I have finished marking the papers. Bio. Science. Maths. i shall refrain from commenting about it at the moment.

I have a good cop and a bad cop within my self.

Isn't it scary?

*roll your eyes*

*shake your head* and *stare at me* and say

*teacher, i don't understand....*

what should i do?

jiaaaaa is extremely disappointed with the academic performance of her students.

i took this during the Bio field trip.
what cutie kittens they are!!

i'm like crushed to the max at this point.

Jiaaaaa is still in school at this hour.

Today has been a frustrating day, especially for maths. I am going to talk about Maths. All the dissatisfaction expressed below goes to Maths, not Bio, not Science.

I have started with the chapter on Ratios, Rates and Proportions. 

For the past few weeks i have spent so much time doing Algebraic Expressions and Linear Equations with the students. Exercises were given. Extra questions were given. We even had an extra class last night just to go through the chapter on Algebraic Expressions. I can honestly *and proudly* tell you that i put my heart, mind, and soul into helping them to understand.

But today, their silly questions that have not been processed in their brain really crushed my spirit to the max. 

Earlier on, we learnt this - 

2(2x + 1) = 4x + 2

Today, while solving one of the questions with the students... we came across this...

(2x + 4) x 8 = 16x + 32

One girl gave me her 'standard' blank look and her 'famous' head shake....

'Teacher, why 16x.....?'

I almost wanted to shout at her 'You blind ah? Can't you see it's 2x multiplied by 8?'

Ok. Almost.

And I almost wanted to ask them 'Please stop asking silly/stupid questions.'

Of course I didn't use that kind of words. 

"OK. Listen up. Open your eyes and observe carefully..... we are doing multiplication here. That's why it's 16x"

The drama is.. she still couldn't get it!!!!!!! my god!!!! I seriously wanted to just disappear into thin air at the very moment. And I know my face had turned as red as tomato which i only wanted it to be like that during the lepak drinking time. Not in front of those brats who are not using their brain.

So, we had to go through it again to tell her that both are the same. We are still doing multiplication for goodness sake! Ok great, finally she got it. And these brats are already in the middle of being a Form 2 students. I wonder what happened during primary school and their Form 1.

Then, another drama came. This girl couldn't understand the steps to determine if a pair of ratios are equivalent or not. Goodness gracious. oh crap. this is really bad, i tell you. I was already quite agitated with the whole 16x incident, and now there's another crappy 'why-is-it-like-that' question. We almost fought. Her friends who have already understood way earlier than her kept explaining to her but she refused to listen and kept pestering me with her questions.

Argh, give me a break!

I took a deep breath and told God, "Oh God, you've got to do this crap. I don't know how the heck to explain any more."

"Hey, pay attention and listen carefully...." blah blah blah... i tried again. and again. and finally i don't need to try again. It finally dawned on her why we are doing this and not that... etc etc etc...

May I tell you how tired I got every time i walked out from the math classes, particularly for that class?

There's no satisfaction in that. is it rewarding? i am not feeling anything of that kind. seriously.

Next week they will have their Math April test. I don't know what will become of me if they failed the test. And I have the feeling that this is going to happen to some of them. this is crap, because some of them can't even do proper addition and subtraction of positive and negative integers. Such basic stuff and yet they can't give accurate answers.


I am in ruins.

one week away from the 'norm'

counting down to 11.15am!

it's school holiday again! *jump for joy*

gah.. but i won't be going any where la, except going to the town to get groceries, curtains, etc. Well, there'll be a huge spring cleaning in my house next week. The two rooms in my house are in terrible condition. There are spiderwebs, dust, old furniture and insects. That makes the rooms look like some haunted rooms where no one has slept there for a very very long time. Haih. Whateverlar.

I felt one of a kind when my housemate and i went to get Astro a few days ago. It's like it suddenly dawned on me *again* that i am here not for a short period of time, probably 3-5 years and hopefully not 10 years. I don't know why it can be so hard for me to get use to the fact that I have to work in a place away from home. sometimes i am ok. sometimes i am not. sometimes i can get really jimo-fimo-finding-nemo, especially when certain songs are played. Some songs reminded me of my days in 4th Kolej, some the days in MC, then 3rd Kolej... and some the last part of uni days which was my teaching practice in SA. in a nutshell, a huge part of me stayed in that 4-years of bittersweet memories.

Sometimes i came back from school feeling as if all my strength has been drained away, especially on the days which i have math classes. Everything turns black and white and gray. And you found yourself all alone in your world. Ok, such dull colours are mainly my problem because i set up walls and i don't let people in so easily. That's it. Well, the weeks after the CNY break has filled the lower side of my 'ups-and-downs chart'. It's getting more and more stressful in a way, whether it's due to work, or the adjustment and adaptation to the new environment which is not what i had expected.

"If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?"
Jeremiah 12:5

oh by the way, jiaaaa will be going back to the other side of her world on the 29th May.

29th May!!! There's about another 3 months to go!! oh my oh my
*may i give you a
loooooooonnnngggg siiiiiigggggghhhhhhhhh?*

day 2 in LD

i am officially at the other side of 'my' world.

31st Dec - 2015 left KL, as the plane was taking off.. the girl going LD with me cried wei.. *oh god.. tahan!* touched down at KKIA at 2240, tumpang at Sek. Men Sains Sabah for a night. i heard the sound of fireworks but i was too tired to go out and see, more of like not in the mood for anything. then the next morning i reached Lahad Datu at about 1130, the school bus came to get us from the airport. it was a 20 minutes drive from the airport to my school, Sek Men Sains Lahad Datu.

i am staying in the teachers' quarters. 4th floor, highest. no fan, coz the ceiling fan in the living room has been ROSAK for a year. the room, no fan also, urgently need a stand fan. it's like a furncae here. TV - die, can't watch anything wan. the bathroom reminded me of the neriton bathroom *gasp*. there are lots and lots of droppings of swallows along the staircase. and i think i can get bird's nest tooo. there are many big spiders, not to mention their spiderwebssssss. ants here and there. lizards and their droppings. i met two cockroaches last night. one of them had the same colour as the floor! :( i still haven't cleaned my wardrobe. i want to pengsan when i looked at it coz it has been 'home' for a few big spiders.

the sight of the place quite put me off. seriously and honestly. and no choice, i have to display my OCD-ness. super looking forward to cny and quickly fly back. trying to book the tickets but the internet is so slow, it has been 'processing transaction' for almost an hour.

Not that LD is not nice or what.. and not that i don't like LD but i just wonder how people can like that place, unless that's your hometown. i am giving myself 2-3 years here, hope not making it to 4 years. i will try to survive the years quarter by quarter... open hearts and happy thoughts, jiaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

ah.. thank God the housemate is from Sabah and knows how to get to places. thank God for Rainbows; for lame jokes from family and friends; for connections; for safe flight. thank God for family friends, hehe, thanks for sending me off. haih, thank God for a spacious apartment that i will call 'home' for at least many months ahead, despite the *ahem* condition.
ahaha, and Digi Yellow Man is proving his worth. ;)

what else...?

tomorrow got work in school. the kids are coming back. my, heard that all new teachers have to be class teachers. oh wells.

O' Holy Night

my *whole* family and i went to CGMC for Christmas eve service.
notice the word *whole*
that is the best Christmas gift, from God.
oh well, besides the posting news.
;)

just only checked my mail, saw Ben's email on Simplicity written by Ken Rockwell. and i thought of the pictures i took during the service last night. my baby canon's battery died, so i was back to using my faithful SE 770i. the noise is obvious, cameraphone la, what to expect. I have other carolling pics in baby canon but i don't think i have the time to go through them and copy to my laptop.

the huge luggage with its mouth wide opened is staring at me, waiting for me to fill it up and shut its mouth.

oh jiaaaaaa, how are you?

mixed feelings which is waaaaaaaaaay beyond description. don't make me cry!
anyway, thanks for all the sayangs you all left on my FB. and the texts and the calls. they really helped to boost the excitement. do i sound excited?

i went to straighten my straight hair yesterday.
you know what, last time the tv always showed the Taiwan army shows... how the boys have to go for their national service, then they have to do the crew cut... sleep on bunk beds... wake up at the call of the siren..

and so, when the lady was trimming my hair.... i thought of those boys in the national service doing the crew cut.... cis... kanasai
i'm going for national service. thank God no need crew cut.
hope that there's no more bunk beds.
no call of siren except for the waktu Subuh, or fire drill in the middle of night.
but the sun comes out so much earlier there.

then last night before i dozed off... i thought of my PoT's ~ from Jonah to Nehemiah.

i couldn't help but thinking that God indeed has a really good sense of humour and an amazing skill of giving surprises to people. i did ask 'why God, why larrrr Saaaaabaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...?'

i am praying that the internet there is ok. and Digi Yellow Man had better not fail me. and the government had better pay me well. :p

there's so much to say. seriously. T_T

ok. i guess i had better go packing..

on a cloudy Saturday morning

i am waiting to complete my final assigned task in school ... which is to settle the parcel and arrange for the DHL workers to come and collect it and then send it to Sri Lanka. sigh. it took me such a long time to collect the papers from the students, then seal them in the DHL box, and fill in the shipment bill... and now, waiting for the people to come and collect between 9-12.. i have been sitting in the front desk office since 8.45am and i am feeling super sleepy.

yesterday was my last working day in school. two days of class parties. tonnes of food. a lot of pictures in my phone. and of course, i learned many new things too. Example ha, Sri Lanka doesn't have a postcode, DHL got their own planes that's why they charge more and the service is faster, GDEX tumpang other people's plane that's why it's cheaper and of coz' slower; the smart board thingy and the softwares are fun to use and it does help the students to learn better *given that you're creative enough*; there's always a cultural difference between Int Schs and the Private Schs which follow the Msian syllabus, sometimes you found yourself caught in the state of 'double standard'; the non-selective issue is quite a thing to me because the fact is, natural selection and survival of the fittest are the game of the world *oh, we are in the world but not of the world*; i need to do something about my classroom management, coz i think i always screw up my 'first impression'; you gained the world, but you lost your own life...

my thoughts are all jumbled up.

-wasted on a friday night-

you nak some BM tak?

oh well...

Malam ini merupakan malam yang amat menyenangkan hati saya. Bulan penuh mengambang, angin tiup bersepoi-sepoi dan nyamuk terbang mengelilingi saya bagaikan malaikat yang sering berada di tepi saya. Ah, alangkah baik sekiranya saya kini berada di tepi pantai, contohnya Teluk Batik, Pantai Morib, Pantai Kelanang, dan sebagainya. Saya akan dapat menikmati cahaya bulan menerangi pantai dan merasakan pasir halus memenuhi celah-celah antara jari kaki pada setiap langkah yang saya ambil. Saya memang pandai bermimpi, sama ada mimpi malam ataupun mimpi siang. Memang cekap dan canggih-manggih.

Dalam dua bulan ini saya sudah banyak bermimpi siang kerana saya perlu menyediakan rancangan pelajaran harian. Saya perlu mengimaginasikan(oh dang, membayangkan) apa yang mungkin berlaku dalam proses pengajaran dan pembelajaran. Namun begitu, saya memang tidak terbayang satu hari saya perlu mengajar dengan menggunakan BM kerana pada pandangan saya, langkah untuk menrevertkan (oh dang, menukar balik) pengajaran Sains dan Matematik daripada BI kepada BM adalah tidak wajar. Good morning/afternoon Miss Wong akan bertukar menjadi Selamat pagi/petang/sejahtera Cik Wong. Saya rasa macam tidak begitu sedap dengar. Itu hanyalah perkara kecil. Jadi, tidak mengapalah, kan? Asalkan budak-budak bagi salam.

2012. Kesian budak-budak tingkatan satu yang saya kenali dalam dua bulan ini kerana mereka akan memasuki 'era pengajaran dan pembelajaran sains dan matematik' yang baru (ataupun boleh dikatakan lama). Mereka akan menjadi tikus putih! Dan saya akan mengajar sains dan matematik dalam BM. Kita semua akan berbahasa Malaysia dalam kelas. Banyak perkataan perlu ditukarkan. Photosynthesis menjadi fotosintesis. Oxidation menjadi pengoksidaan. Potassium menjadi kalium. Commensalism menjadi komensalisme. Saya tidak mampu memberi contoh-contoh yang lain kerana terdapat terlampau banyak contoh. Tolonglah, Tuhan, jangan sekali-kali meminta saya mengajar fizik ataupun kimia. Fizik bagaikan yunani bagi saya. Kimia bagaikan separuh yunani bagi saya. Separuh yunani ataupun yunani, sama sahaja kerana mereka tidak banyak berbeza.

Saya rasa penukaran ini adalah tidak logik. Sekolah rendah - bahasa ibunda; sekolah menengah - BM; tingkatan 6 dan matriks BI. Murid-murid terpaksa menyesuaikan diri dari satu fasa ke fasa yang lain. Mereka sedang bermain-main dengan masa depan murid-murid bagaikan bermain dengan pasir. 6 tahun adalah tidak mencukupi untuk melihat hasil PPSMI. Mereka ini memang tidak mempunyai kesabaran dan pandangan yang jauh. Mereka mengatakan bahawa PPSMI telah memperbesarkan jurang perbezaan orang bandar dengan orang kampung. Merekalah orang bandar yang berkebolehan untuk menghantar anak-anak mereka ke private school, international school, ke luar negara. Siapakah yang sedang memperbesarkan jurang perbezaan?

Argh, apa-apa saje lar... what-e-ver-larrrrrrr!!!!!

Ah....
Saya ini cakap je tahu.. ada apa lagi yang saya boleh buat?

Hmmmm... saya masih mempunyai 3 tahun dari sekarang.. saya boleh mempraktiskan BM saya dengan ...

1. menulis blog dalam BM
2. membaca UtusanM
3. mendengar lagu BM
4. mendengar stesyen radio yang bahasa perantarannya ialah BM
5. membaca Alkitab B.Indon
6. bertutur dalam BM
7. ????
8. ????
9. ????
   

Anda digalakkan untuk memberikan cadangan agar saya dapat memperbaiki BM cacat saya. Saya beraspirasi untuk mengajar setelah bertahun-tahun saya bergelut dengan ketidakinginan saya untuk menjadi seorang pendidik. Saya tidak ingin kecacatan saya dalam BM menjadi pembunuh aspirasi yang baru saya peroleh.
Sekian, terima kasih.

your words in my memory are like music to me.

down with that cycle.

For nothing will be impossible with God.
Luke 1:37

help me to guard my heart and mind.

come and sit awhile

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

thank you for coming and sitting awhile with me.

i have friends called 'it'

i can't tahan and i felt that i have to blog about it so that i can go to bed and have a good rest.

it happened a few days ago. it was in one of the toilets which i almost entered. i saw it. and sensed its wonderful smell. like some reflex action, i terus 'sprang' out from the toilet and went in to the other one. *darn thing*

well, i thought staying in the first floor and far away from kitchen area and rubbish bins would at least save me from them, and lessen the chances of bumming into them.

anyway, back to the it.

this evening while i was about to shower, i saw it again! *i think it's the same it*
it almost came into my cubical and i managed to shoe it away with pipe water..
wahliao, can you imagine showering and having extra high alert just in case it comes back and attacks you again?? ok, i showered with the speed of thunder and cepat-cepat went back to my room.

coming to the 3rd encounter... *i still think it was the same it coz' they looked the same.*
sitting at my table, suddenly something fell on my right foot. eeew, i thought it was moth or something like that and so i just forgot about it. until...

about 20-30 minutes ago...
wahliao, suddenly a black thing just dashed across underneath my roommate's chair. RED ALERT. RED ALERT. damn it, it's a cockroach!!!!! my first response is always to give them a hot shower of blessings. too bad, the water was not hot enough. and it ran up and down. thank God it stopped for a while, giving me enough time to figure out what to do next.

Jiaaaa: oh my god, oh my god, water is not hot enough. how how how how?????

then i thought of my almost-finishing-body-shampoo. so, i poured the body shampoo on it. too bad, bad aiming. *_* but that kinda worked coz its motion became slower...

Gahhh.. and then i did the most gross/grossest thing... since i don't think i am quick enough to fetch some hot water, i was thinking to hit it with something hard ... and i have nothing except the chairs... and so.. i stabbed it with the leg of the chair...

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG...!!!!!!!!

each bang with increasing strength.. blow after blow... blow after blow...

Grossssssssssss..................

the intestines came out.. the appendages came out... the liquid *blood* came out.. it's like the scene someone just got murdered.

and i just finished clearing and cleaning and dettol-ing the crime scene. *_* and felt like disinfecting myself, if can.

oh gosh.. i can't believe that almost every semester i can feed you people with stories about my encounter with cockroaches.

sigh.

ok. it's an hour past my bedtime. good night.

once again,
mission accomplished!

that's what you said and what i heard.

i am now in McD. cold. rainy night. wifi.
thoughts keep popping out.
i have been working as waitress since i came back to ipoh.

nothing new.

hectic. stressful. frustrating. enough to turn on my machine gun and lash on every single driver on the road.

i am at the verge of giving up hope on many things. and many people.
sometimes, those situations really make no sense. at all.

but i realised that i was looking at things in my own perspectives.
nothing new.

i couldn't understand
well, they are a bunch of bad people. real bad people.
that's all i need to know.

i wonder how God can work in those situations.
i wonder what's in Abraham's mind N years ago when God called him..
Abraham. Abraham. Abraham.
i wonder what's in my mind. now.

*****

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.

O Israel, the one who formed you says,

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;

I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.

Others were given in exchange for you.

I traded their lives for yours

because you are precious to me.

You are honored, and I love you.

Isa 43:1-4

i need time.

i need you.

i don't know why i have become like that. i don't know why my answers to those questions are always the same for the freaking 3 years plus. i can only gave the same answers every time we met. ok la, like that la, bearable la, nothing much la, still the same la.. blah blah blah... and FULL STOP. it really makes me super frustrated. i don't know how to tell you the things that had happened, the good and bad i have gone through, and how these things have changed me, affected me, paralyzed me, and even 'killed' me. time and distance do separate people. and on the other hand, my unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable just makes the matter worse. perhaps this is something i need to handle on my own. i don't think i can find my heart anymore because i have traded it with something. somewhere. some time ago. oh well, i should just continue with my 'whatever' attitude, take whatever you are served, think less about worse case senarios, be more forgetful (and forgiving if can, esp to my own self). and make life a little bit happier. i think that's all i can say at this point of life. highland or valley, they don't matter much. the thing is, do i really know who is the one beside me? do i really know the one who has been with me all this while, the one who has been my help thus far?? or am i still looking high and low for someone else? =(