So long, fare thee well

There’s so much to say. 

I know you are in a better place, where you are no longer restricted by the disease. That you have been set free from it, and regained the life you had 5 years ago. 

But I don’t know how this is going to heal.. How to reconcile with the fact that we won’t get to talk anymore, won’t get to do crazy things together anymore, won’t get to go for trips .. won’t get to do some amazing photography stuff together.. 

Every time I thought of you, I felt so much pain inside of me. It’s just too hard to let you go. 

I should have told you earlier that I am really very proud of you, for standing strong and fighting til the end. You have fought the good fight, finished the race and kept the faith. You deserve the rest which only God can give. 

“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day..” 2 Tim 4:6-9

I really miss you. 

To You.

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart 

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

***

I have many thoughts running through my mind. 

You are here and yet you felt that deep within you, something just doesn't seem right. You felt like you shouldn't be here, that you should be at somewhere else, doing something else. Living a different life. 

 It's funny how such feelings comes visiting again after taking such a long hiatus. So long until you thought you have overcome and finally be freed from it. You thought you are an overcomer just like how they always tell you to be. But it's always there. It has always been there. 

Who are you?

You are way too timid to talk about change. Let alone living out that change.

Who are you?

How can you leave behind that you, pretending that you never existed?

***

You are just a human. 

Stop being so selfless. It costs you way too much. 

blue.

taken at KK this Feb, somewhere along the beaches of Sutera Harbour.

i like this place. i mean like this side of the world. but not exactly this side@LD, but Sabah. 

i don't know where i want to be.
adrift, and i need to be at peace.

certainly.

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

Somebody That I used to Know

i want to follow you

on a journey that never ends.

But sadly, that's not the reality.

Our love has fallen victim to circumstance.

A point of no return.

unknown.

wait. and. see.

the first quarter of the year.

it's been tough. school is tough. there are many things to do. and things happened in crazy ways that forced me to retreat to my hiding place and put on masks. everyday.

i will never win this game.

we are fighting a losing battle. against every wrong thing in this system.

i am angry. i am frustrated. but i don't know how to show it to the people who created those unnecessary tensions, partly because i am the kind of person who avoids conflicts.

this is no good.

****

maybe we need a change of environment.

but i sensed reluctance in me. and fear.

fear

On the way up to Laban Rata.

of the

unknown.

one step at a time.

You kept me going.

*

Even through the darkest phase

Be it thick or thin

Always someone marches brave

Here beneath my skin

And constant craving

Has always been

**

please don't lie to me.

i'm too tired to continue with this kind of lies.

where to

i'm back.

#16

get over it.

and move on.

there's no time to waste.

what a wreck.

trains of thoughts going through my mind.

we are living in a big lie.

i am such a mess.

***

i don't know what else to expect in life.

i don't want to talk myself into believing something that is unlikely to happen.

one year and eight months.

Agnes Keith House in Sandakan.

In the end I learned that it isn't the outward circumstances which determines what one can endure, but something in oneself which either breaks, or stays intact, under strain. It isn't the difference in strain, it's the difference in tensile strength of people.

Agnes Newton Keith, Three Came Home,

pg 61-62

***

stress is building up.

and frustration is setting in.

i realised this change in me, that i couldn't express myself in words like how i used to do. not that i am very good at that, to start with. so whatever little that kind of ability i had, i'm now having even less.

Reading Three Came Home is like creating for myself another world. Diving into that world and see how they struggled through days of internment during WWII makes my THM life here seems like a trivial problem.

i wonder how they survived those days.

mine is kacang-putih in comparison to theirs.

yet, i also wonder how i survived one year and eight months, and still counting.

the tests on my tensile strength will keep on coming.

and i will keep calm and carry on.

you and me

among the others.

*i will be away for 5 days, deep in the jungle.*

this moment

it's like standing on one of the rocks

and super-undecided which is the next one to jump onto.

#14

There was a day that I could sit face to face with you
Now that I'm away, I can't sleep the night through
Remember the time in your kitchen with wine
Dancing to the tunes of our blues

I'm going out, I'm gonna make a name for me and you
They can never say I never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

I know your vices and those are your choices
and I want to be there for you
This blaze of sunrise is burning in my eyes
And I want them to burn here with you

I do

I'm going out, I'm gonna make a name for me and you
They can never say I never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

I tried my best just to hide this away
but the earth cracks hard in Californ-i-a
and the earthquakes are giving me away

It's just not true, 'cause I care for you

- Make A Name for Me and You, Rachael Cantu

that's me trying

Green turtle hatchling.

i have been trying very hard to make things work.

but the harder i try, the more i fear.

this is really sickening.

The rough weeks after The Turtle Trip.

Chagar Hutang, Gloomy Morning with turtle trails

i have been working 6 days a week for 3 consecutive weeks.

long hours of meetings.

night classes.

the-very-terrible-bio and the-terrible-maths results.

after-school activities.

i thought of the mama turtles.

and i know i must press on, in whatever i am doing and planning to do.

i won't let you bring me down.

orange.

at KK.

it was another great weekend spent away from this THM place.

:)

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

Be as wise as serpent

and as meek as doves.

*

i think the world is a very bad place and there's a lot of mean people out there.... looking for chances to bring you down, to back stab you, to kill your spirit, to twist your dreams.

*_#

this kind of reality really upsets me.

*

i think some people can be so bad that they will do all kinds of things to sabotage you. they will step on you as if you're the rungs of their ladder to go higher.

mean people. i really don't get their point of doing that. ok, it probably makes them look good.

bongok betul.

*

some people are particularly helpful.

they only know how to say

i don't know.

ok, sometimes they also give a longer version of i don't know ...

"that, you'll have to go figure out yourself"

they don't even bother to give suggestions...

to me, that the most irresponsible thing a 'leader' can say to the people working WITH him/her. (not FOR him/her!)

haih. bodoh betul la some people. Cis, bedebah!

****

why are they like that waaaaannnnn?????

TBT!!!!!!

i told you i would drive away

There’s work waiting for me to do. There are certificates waiting to be collected and sent for photocopying. There are exercise books waiting to be marked, experiments waiting to be carried out.

And the list goes on.

I still haven’t really recovered from the fact that we will not be sent for the basketball competition.

“There’s always next year”, some said.

OK FINE. WHATEVER.

*
We had our getaway over the weekend.
And I think playing in the rain was the best part. :)

*
i'm halfway thru South of Broad. I think the story matches my jimo-ness.



sometimes, it's really a bit too late and you found yourself at the point of no return.
and you began to live in the world of 'what-if'.. The what-ifs filled up your mind every time you locked yourself in those moments.

Those Moments that stayed.