the blue hours of 7th Jan

sunrise in a foggy morning. that's one of my few favourite things in this place, which tells my heart that i should work on a project to capture the beauty (or the ugly) of this place before there's no more opportunity to do so.

"There are people who have the luck to end their lives where they began them.
But this is not something that is owed to us.
On the contrary, we have to expect that a time will come when we'll have to move on again.
Rather than being swept along by events,
we should make plans and take control of our own fate."
~The Glass Palace~

#7

"we push ourselves because we have to,
not because we like it."

show no fear

It's time to make a start
to get to know your heart
time to show your face, time to take your place

In every speck of dust
In every universe,
When you feel most alone, you will not be alone

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you will see my footprint on every floor

It only takes a spark to tear the world apart
these tiny little things that make it all begin

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you'll see my reflection in your free fall

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
'Cause when your back's against the wall
that's when you show no fear at all
and when you're running out of time
that's when your hitch your star to mine

We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by
~My Shadow, Keane~

****

Live. I don't know, I think you're either born simple or you're born... me. I wanna be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress, I wanna be simple 'cause no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.

~C. Yang~

that 1%

[it's] like on a weighing scale
and you put extra one grain of sand
on one side
and the whole world changes.


it's apocalypse.

~Josh~

don't you think

that it's better to be extremely happy
for a short while,
even if you lose it,
than to be just okay for your whole life?





this fleeting life

is like the clouds.

i am 'trying' to be happy

It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, happier life. As children, we're told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults we're told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses half full. Sometimes reality can get in our way of the ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments when you just want to get real, drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple...to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wished we were.. until eventually it hits us... it's been there all along. Not in dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

~Grey's~

a good man in a storm

Open your eyes now

it's time to see if you can reach me

open your eyes now

it's time to leave me... it's time to see

if you still believe in me

open your life now
i'll try to be all that you need me to be

open your eyes now
and try to speak like you can see me

open your eyes now

i'll try to be almost everything you need me to be

she'll be a star now
i will follow her lead

she'll be a scar now

i will still let her bleed all over me

Open Your Eyes, Andrew Belle

*****

I was raised to be a good man in a storm.
Raised to love my country, love my family
and protect the things I love.
~Arizona R.~

the 8th month.

yesterday i went for my first street photography. the pictures aren't that great as the term 'street photography' sounds. But it was certainly a good experience.

it was a bright sunny day with blue sky and white clouds. although the afternoon sun is not a nice time to take pictures because it is sooo bright, and, so HOT, but i still went for it. geez, basically it's like a sunbathing time for me, as though my skin is not dark enough. I parked the car and started walking around for about an hour. most of my subjects are children. Adults - just a few, because i was quite scared to aim my camera at them and press the shutter. The black thing can be pretty intimidating and probably infringing their privacy. What if they chased after me for taking pictures of them? Oh well, worst-case-senario-mood in play.


I saw a woman sitting by the road side, selling indon/philipino cigarettes,

"Kak, boleh gambar?"

she shook her head

and spoke in language that i couldn't understand.

My shirt was drenched with sweat, my skin was a few tones darker, but at least i managed to get some pretty rewarding shots.

reward. yes, i prefer the instant ones to the 'N-years-down-the-road' type.

There's some kind of liberation i felt as i was walking around taking pictures. The same o' liberation i felt in Semporna. It's like i am in my own world and that's the real me. The jia in school is like an undercover - to gather information about how terrible the education system is, particularly this system i am currently in. i am so sorry that i can only complain *non-stop* about it, because obviously i can't do anything about it and i am too selfish to stay in it and work something out of nothing.

They said, "Every job has its good and bad sides. If you are really passionate about something, you will be able to thrive through the bad moments and turn them into something good and meaningful."

Be in my shoes, or some of my friends' shoes -- you will EAT YOUR WORDS!

darn it!

incepted.

guilt.

maybe i can be a chef

"maybe teaching isn't for me..
maybe I should go back and help my father in the restaurant..."

That line comes from a movie i watched some time ago. I can't remember what show was that but i kind of remember repeating that to rc, and some other people, i think. I actually jotted down that line in my MooLoo Cow notebook after the show.

argh.

Hmmm, there are two things i like being in LD. I love the foggy mornings. It can be really foggy and all, and that gives me some thrill to get up early. Second thing -- being a chef. I picked up cooking ever since i landed here. I get to experiment some new dishes, re-create the dishes served in my family restaurant and that really helps bringing my HOME to LD. I enjoyed preparing meals -- the cutting, the planning, and all that comes with cooking. That gives me some adrenaline rush and helps to reduce stress. haha. What a good way to cut off the stress after a day of dealing with *ahem* kids!

now we have gotten ourselves an induction cooker. there's going to be more fun coming. ;)
Next round, probably will get hold of some other stuff and start making some cool drinks. It's quite difficult to get them in LD. Well, and probably can try baking too! Meanwhile, i shall start keeping a record of the dishes i cooked - chinese and western. Isn't that awesome?

Oh well, I guess AFC and T&L have become my favourite Astro channels.

Life can be good in this place and wherever you are. As you want it to be.

Happy Easter!

where's nemo?

Every time i pass by the LD airport, it never fails to remind me of my first day in this place, how a total shocker Day-1-in-LD was for me when i landed here; and how at the end of the first day, i was greeted by a rainbow over the sky as my housemate drove pass the airport heading towards town. alrightz. This afternoon the radio was playing Train's Hey Soul Sister as i was driving along that stretch of road and i thought of rachelchoong and gah.. i almost wanted to burst out in tears. almost, and therefore thank God i didnt. if not, it would be so embarrassing. *sorry rachel, please don't scold me for being jimo :p*

jimo-fimo-finding-nemo.

"This is the secret of Jeremiah's persevering pilgrimage - not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: 'My heart is ready!' " - Eugene Peterson

okay. stop finding nemo, jiaaaaa. stop it!

alright, i am already in the middle of march. garh. there's still some work not done yet. i have to prepare the PEKA list, mark the PEKA reports; and get ready to continue teaching Math after the break, lalala... then the school is going to have Hari Anugerah thingy, Sports day.. blah blah blah.. geeee.. whateverlar..

did i tell you that my 4 Zamrud kids celebrated my birthday during their prep time? It was the first day of school after the cny break and they actually bought a cake on sunday and asked their canteen aunty to keep it in the fridge. it was a huge cake i tell you. i will show you the picture some other time. i really appreciated it. well, the quiet 2*th birthday ain't that quiet after all. :p

I began to see and understand how difficult it can be to 'serve' the country in a place other than where i wanted. Things are so different when you experienced them first hand. Emotions is one of the scariest thing i need to deal with. How do you balance the positive feeling (that your job can be pretty rewarding although not in financial sense, of course) and the negative feeling (that you are in a sense, living in lack, lack of the comfort you wanted and needed)? Well, honestly sometimes i get kind of jealous of friends who are staying back in the other side of my world. They have access to different things, simple things such as cinemas to enjoy good shows (none in LD), proper shopping malls (none in LD that matches that standard), driving along nice highways (nope, you have snake-liked bumpy tar roads), nice hangout places which you can sit there for hours drinking tea, coffee or Paulaner (none here, except some shops that show poor imitations of KimGary, Ipoh Old Town, etc) , and the list goes on. I'm not exactly complaining or grumbling although it sounds like it. AH, i knew it!

Above all, it's the company of friends (besides family) back in the other side of my world which i missed the most. It's like you meet hundreds of people every schooling day and yet you feel the immense longing to be with people who forms the world that lives in you. seriously. that's what i'm feeling every day. every freaking day. i didn't want to make things so jimo but sometimes i just can't help.

January and February were months of finding my place in LD and getting used to the all-too-quiet life here. In the 3rd month, i am pushed to deal with the emotional aspect of life as i continue the search of a place for jiaaaaa in LD. I am learning how to strike a balance between the positive and negative feelings. I am learning how to deal with emotions, how to deal with the quest of finding nemo when such quests are needed.

As if to add to the jimo-ness, [V] is playing Celine Dion's All By Myself.

gah, how many times have i told you that you'll be fine?

truth vs sham

we like lies
because lies approve the sham we are living.
~Rev. Jeyakumar~

I AM the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
No one comes to the Father except through Me.
John 14:7

the Bug and the Advent and the Christmas

*can't you see that i'm busy?*

it's a pleasant surprise when i checked the picture.
the bug so happened flew pass as i pressed the shutter.
*teeheeee*

they said the 'list' is coming out in a few days time. Thursday, they said.
and i don't know what to expect. *whatever*

***
'Notoriously JOY-ed!'

The Advent.
Are you living as if Jesus did not come and is not coming again?
***

my family and i had a good laugh when we talked about many years ago how me and my siblings used to wait for Santa Claus to come during Christmas. We put baskets at the end of our beds, we 'fought' for the biggest basket...(you know, let's say you have a small basket, then Santa initially thought of giving you a big gift since you behaved well thru'out the year and mana tahu he had to give you a smaller gift coz the big one can't fit into your small basket...) hehe, and we did receive gifts from Santa@my parents. LOL. they are really good in creeping into rooms. Oh well, and now you know SIZE (of the basket) doesn't really matter anyway.

at the mean time.. while waiting for this Thursday to come...

life is the same ~ back to peeling garlic and being a waitress..
and acting like a boss.
*_*

talking about betting

Betting is something my family does for self-entertaining purposes.
we don't believe in those 3D or 4D or whatever Damacai nonsense because people always end up losing more money than winning. and that's what you call LUCK.

and so, we bet about...

• will XXX come to work tomorrow?
• what time will another XXX come to work tomorrow?
• what will that XXX wear to work tomorrow?
• what will grandma tah pau for dinner tonight?
• dot dot dot dot .. the questions come out spontaneously *although i know that spontaneity is never my thing*
  

Haih...
Seriously, we have nothing better to do than making observations and analyzing the things we observed so that we can win the bet. You don't lose anything, neither do you win anything. *what we get is fun.. it's fun to make fun of that... i know it's evil... who cares :p *

"Alright, let's think about the shirts she wore for the past few days.. Hmmm, she wore green shirt on Monday, light brown shirt on Tues, Pink on Wed... Maybe tomorrow she will wear the ugly dark brown shirt with one flower on it... like the cantonese saying 'one fresh flower stuck in the feces'... hehehehe"

"No lar, maybe she will wear the grey shirt and tie her hair like a doll!!"

"Neh, the red Baleno shirt la.. coz' i haven't seen her wearing that for quite a while"

Grrrrhhh..
You know I am bored, don't you?

and so.. to reduce the level of ke-boring-an... jiaaaaa might be going to somewhere for quite some time. nothing is fully confirmed yet but we can see it coming. it's not going to be easy but I pray that His grace is sufficient for me and my family and that He will pull us through it.

No more sighs, please.

oh Teacher....

During today's maths class, 5 more minutes before the budaks have to hand in the 'testpaper'....

Student A: Teacher... today your lecturer came to observe you ar?

Me: Eh, how did you know?

Student B: We saw you, Teacher!!! *flashed her cute smile* and you looked sooo nervous...

Me: Hmmm....... *!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thought i was.. you know.. somewhat ok and not that nervous... :P*

Student C: Yeah, we heard you saying "Ok, listen to the instructions...."

Me: *garh, ok.... that was before the F4 girls went out for their mini field trip* ha... oh okayyy... did i look really stressed?

Student B: *nods her head like the wooden monkey emoticon you use in MSN* YEEEESSSS, Teacher, you looked reaaaaaaalllllyyyyy stressed... *and gave me her serious face, and the rest of them pun terikut-ikut nodding their heads.*

Me: hahahaha.. okay... thank you for telling me that. *gosh, then i must have looked even worse in front of the F4 girls for the 2 hours.*

Student A: Teacher, so when are you leaving?

Me: Haiya, you all arh.. how many times do you want to ask me for the date ha?

Then they all flashed their white teeth.. "hehe..."

Student A: We are going to miss you...

Me: awwwwww ...

yeah, i will miss them too, including the F4 girls. :)
and so i have 4 hours of maths and 3 hours of bio left before i bid farewell to the school.

gee, i need to figure out some ways to reduce my stress level or increase my stress-tolerance-level if i want to stick to teaching and not becoming a fulltime worker in my dad's business. :p

oh Teacher Lady,

maybe teaching isn't for you...
maybe you should go back and help your father in the restaurant...

***

oh wells, this is actually one of the lines (i replaced the word 'me' with 'you') from the musical drama presented by the students from my school last Saturday.

and so that's the part where the play spoke to me.

:p

i'll be seeing you

My Dearest Allie,

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.

Noah

salt and light.

you are the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

***

Teachers are like street lights along the road.
They don't make the distance any shorter
but they light up the path
and make the walk to success worthwhile.