Sandakan

It was all 

unexpected love. 

you missed that.

really.

rest.

taking a break. freeing my mind.

dirty tales.

All I need is the inner peace that comes not just from God, but also from the life I am living. 

It's been a week since the KRS camp in Taliwas. There's nothing much to talk about the camp, with the usual group activities, building gadgets, marching, cooking, etc. The picture was taken at the river flowing through the Taliwas camp site. We can see the riverbed as well as the reflection with the effect of polarizer. Taliwas is quite a nice place. A good getaway from the hustle and bustle of the crazy school life that requires you to give and give and give and give and give selflessly to the good of humankind. 

Different schools may face different problems. 

I can't say for all schools.

The environment in my school does not encourage selfless giving. The people up there may say that teachers should be a selfless being, putting the students and the school-related work first. I was idealistic, I (may) still am. Therefore to a certain degree, I do kind of agree with their 'plea'. However, the surrounding is totally unsupportive of this kind of effort. Your colleagues (not all, but majority of them) don't think or feel the same as you. For them, it's just a job that some people think too highly of. They go to school, they laze around in school, they are late for class, they leave the class early, they skip class.. They do things for the sake of doing it. You may wonder why they are acting like uni/secondary school students. And with that kind of personality and attitude, they would reprimand their students for behaving the same. They scold students for sending in their work late yet the teachers themselves do not finish their tasks on time, and some teachers purposely procrastinate so that the tasks assigned to them would be passed on to those who are more hardworking. 

Please kill me!!

So tell me, how can you expect the good teachers to be productive in this kind of environment? Perhaps, some have forgotten that teachers are human too. They need motivation and appreciation. They need conducive working environment too. No or minimal actions are taken against lousy teachers who underperformed. It's one of the main reasons why the education system in this country sucks. Then another question comes - why is there no actions taken against them? Partly it's because the school needs to protect her image. Having disciplinary actions taken against those teachers would tarnish the image of the school and hence cutting off chances of the school getting titles like High Performing School, Cluster School and stuff like that. 

It's really frustrating. What's the point of all those titles that cover the school like a huge carpet, and yet when you flip the carpet, all you get is maggots everywhere???!

And why you have this kind of teachers in school? Then we may have to look into the selection of fresh grads from the uni-s and teaching colleges. Sigh. What qualifies them as a teacher? Their grades? Their aptitude and attitude? Either one or both? Some don't even have either one. Lousy grades, lousy aptitude... 

I am not good but I definitely cannot be worse than them. Sorry that I may sound cocky but truly, that's what it is and that's what I am facing at this point of life. It's hard not to be disgusted by them. It's hard to stay true to my self. It's hard not to be affected by them and start living like them. It's hard to swim against the current. God have mercy on us!! 

Of course, I cannot discredit the good ones. But I don't get at least 50% of good ones from the 100% I have in school. 

It just makes me feel terrible. It's like you are fighting alone for a country that still considers you a stranger, a passerby, that judges you based on your skin colour and religion. Face it, that's the fact. Racism and discrimination have always been there, but they cannot be more prevalent in any other ages than now. 

Woe to those white-washed tombs!

I try to treat people with honesty and good will. But now I think my naïveté has cost me a lot. I don't mind carrying out the assignments given to me but don't take me for granted just because I seldom say NO. 

From where I am right now..

Teaching is a good profession when the environment is good. I have good students who respect teachers and have desires to excel in studies and life (not all, but majority of them). So, it's a joy teaching them. I am willing to do more for them not because I cared about the whatever titles given to the school or any benefits that comes with those ridiculous titles and recognitions. I am simply being a decent human being for carrying out my responsibilities. I want them to get good grades - good grades that come from gaining and applying the knowledge and skills passed on to them. Sigh, but no matter how idealistic it may sound, I still have to bow down to the fact that schools are just another mass-production factory. 

I hope you know it is very tiring to keep living like that. 

If anyone tells you teaching is an easy job with lots of holidays and short working hours, I beseech you to gently rebuke them. Such stories of easy life is nothing but a cruel myth. 

If anyone mention the word 'teachers' with hints of contempt, I beseech you to remind them that there are good teachers around despite the rotten apples that always make it to the pages of newspapers. 

I stayed on because I guess there's still something I could do in the midst of hardship.

where to

i'm back.

we have worked really hard

i have worked really hard

to be where i am today;

it may not be 'physically',

but it's definitely

mentally and emotionally.

***

i watched a show, and there's this one part where the guy went for a drink with his friends. His friends were all businessman - either have or are starting their own business. Yet, this guy was just a paramedic, a civil servant. Well, his friends always commended him for having such a noble profession that could save the lives of people. Secretly, he was jealous of his friends because he had always wanted to start his own business and be a boss instead of being bossed around. He was jealous because his friends seems to have a better and more prestigious job, etc. Being a paramedic is not in his plans for life! He got entangled into this job because he needed money and he needed to prove something to his family.

To cut the long story short, something happened and made him realized that he actually enjoyed being a paramedic. And from then on, he decided to continue in this profession that he may save more lives....

***

This guy changed his mind. Was it because he has gotten comfortable with his job? Or was it because he has really found the true meaning as a paramedic, the joy of saving lives, the strength to carry on even if the patient dies?

***

the many similarities

and yet

one thing i see,

we have worked really hard

to be where we are today.

the Hills are alive.

I have this picture hanging on the wall of my Shack. And I think it gives me the calmness i need.

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept [certain] things as they are, despite the rage that is growing within us like wild fire, enough to consume everything that crosses our path.

It feels terrible to know that you are put on the same weighing scale and you weigh the same as those useless people who are not even worth mentioning about. You are all selected. I don't understand how some people can be so dumb. Or they just act dumb and have no sense of responsibility, accountability.. and maturity.

The long hours of waiting in the airport two weeks ago made me end up with Frank McCourt's Teacher Man. Half way through and there's quite a lot of things he wrote about which hit home.

*

上有天， 下有地， 中间有良心。

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

#15

Beyond Description.

taken on the 4th September 11

on the way back to LD

what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

#13

Dragon Inn, Semporna.

"maybe what you want is right here."

that's it

i wish there's an unending road trip.. and we just drive and drive.. and drive away.

a twisted dream that we die to make believe.




the week has been a weird one.

things happened and they hit hard.

and you wondered why some people can be so darn selfish, living at the expense of another person's life.

there will be no more TKC. no more representing the zone for basketball competition. they made us live in a lie. false promises. they gave us hope and then shattered that same hope into thousand pieces.

i am utterly disappointed.

wonderland

you're like alice in wonderland.

this is what i call 'surprise'

Waterfront, Kuching.
Dewan Undangan Negeri at the back.


i was away in Kuching from the 8th til 12th morning. we left school on the 7th and went on a crazy 6.5 hours of bus ride from LD to KK. The night spent there was - ahem, kind of pathetic, i must say. That's where i realised how homey my 'home' has been to me.

Before the whole basketball thingy, i wasn't really hoping to win big. i was just hoping that we at least maintain the 3rd placing. ok, i secretly did hope that we can win, or come in second in place and got sent as representative of the sabah/swak/labuan (SQL zone).

and then, there comes the news that only the champion will be sent as representative. haih. the chances is even slimmer because in view of the opponent teams and the girls' level... what's left for us? :(

whatever it is, i told them.. just go and see how things unfold themselves.

this is the first game on the 9th, against Sains Labuan, under the hot sun. our match was scheduled to start at 11 but it delayed til 11-ish and ended at about 1.30pm. we won 31-29.


it's not easy to be the coach. the students played all out. i have to think of the strategy to defend and counter attack. i have to think who to substitute because they got tired easily under the hot sun. whoosh. and that labuan coach kept shouting to his players 'PRESS PRESS PRESS!!!!!!!!!!!'

sheeesshhh.......

the first victory was sweet. a sweet surprise. :)

after the 2nd match of the day. we played against Sains Miri and menang tipis, 25-24. front row, the girl in front of the one with the ball was our 'saviour'.

we started of very well, leading the game with quite a few points apart til the 3 quarter. 20-18. 20-20. 22-20. 22-22. 24-22. at the last minute, we were at a tie of 24-24. I was practically shouting at those in the court, trying to restrategise to keep miri from scoring.

I was like, "How can we lose this game when we started of so well????!!"

And then in the last 15 seconds, the saviour-girl was given two free shots. She missed the first one. all pressure was on her.
second shot - YIPPIE!! she did it!!

and a few seconds later, there goes the whistle!

second victory in a day. Double the sweetness.
bad news, one of my main players sprained her ankle and we have another important match the next day.
sigh. the whole night i was thinking "what to do, what to do?"
"how how how?"

i don't have pictures of the 3rd match. we played against Sains Sabah. the points were quite tight, and the girl who sprained her ankle requested that i put her into the match. i hesitated. she said she can wait near the ring and shoot once she got the ball. and it worked tremendously well. we had a good lead by the second quarter until the 3 quarter. Gee, what's with the number 3?
At the middle of 3 quarter, it began to drizzle. the court got wet and slippery. the whole game had to slow down and that actually gave us great advantage. the opponents have no way to close in the gap and we won 22-14.

We knew we won't be able to win the fourth and last match, against Sains Kuching. We lost 14-42. Our aim is not be 'goreng-ed'. That score wasn't too bad, but it could be better.

after the last match against Sains Kuching. The students were happy. So am I.

All the victories were surprises to all of us, albeit we're still disappointed that runner up will not be sent as reps like those previous years.

we're prepared that this would be the end of our basketball journey for the year 2011 and shall do better next year.

We had a closing ceremony on the 11th night. By the end of the ceremony, that's when they announced another surprise. They have decided that the champion and the runner up will be sent to the peninsular in May for national basketball competition of all residential schools.
ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)

we couldn't believe our ears and we kept asking each other is that real.

all we can say is..

"PERCAYALAH"

at KKIA. a jump of victory.

there's going to be lots of hard work once the holiday is over. basketball trainings will be the priority besides going in for classes. extra bio classes. etc etc etc.

this trip has taught me to percaya.
believe and have faith.

dilemma

what a day.

let there be light

photo by Karl Randay

i want to take something like this.

Hmmmm..

quite cool, right? :)

from postsecret

i know how you must have felt.

it is achievable

"My story is not about me,
but it's about what can come out of my story."

Dr. Tererai Trent

let's age together

Holly:
That's a real honest to goodness couple right there.
They've probably been together since the flood.

Daniel:
We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it.
We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone.
Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair.

lines taken from my all-time fav movie,
P.S, I Love You.

Goodbye 2010 and Hello 2011.

adrift

you're lost in your own world.

for a second,

and lay it all out like a weather chart.