this is

indescribable.


i'm in such a confused state.
i'm sorry.

hello

you spin and spin and spin

such a whirlwind.

i am like ..

so sick of feeling sorry for myself and the darn place which i have to go back in less than a week's time.

the past two weeks was filled with dramas -- trying to figure out what is it that i really wanted; trying to make some tentative plans, hoping that will help me to survive the second half of the year.

some said i should wait and see.

some said i should be more impulsive.

i don't know.

****

For the 2nd half of the year...

1. do something about 4Z's Bio -- almost half of the class failed. probably will have to start a weekly tuition class.
2. do something about 3N and 3Z's Science -- none got A for the mid year exam and they are going to sit for PMR soon. probably should psycho them because they are plain lazy. sloths!
3. push the form 2 kids like mad in their Maths. And I shall not tolerate any brainless questions from them anymore. NO way. more exercises and more exercises. i don't care if you are drowned in a sea of math questions.
4. settle the innovative and creative project by end of July.
5. settle the loan.
6. find out more about the neuro(with/without Edu) stuff.
7. continue with the basketball training.
8. cook more.
9. do something about the stupid house.
10. LOOKING FORWARD TO MY HOME-COMING IN SEPTEMBER!

What a long list!

i will be pretty busy once the school reopens. key in the marks. evaluate the innovative and creative projects submitted by students and give ideas to improve. sigh. i don't like that. prepare for the soon-to-come in-house presentation of the biology department. shucks like mad.

i am going back to that side of my world so that i can come back to this side of my world!

the drama continues!

let me *tak tahu malu* show you the *critical* condition of that place

this is the toilet in my flat. the water heater is not working any more. don't even dare to try using it because i don't want to get electrocuted. check out the plastic bag up there...

can you see a huge spider on the plastic bag?

i don't know who fixed the plastic bag there but it has started to leak..

drip.. drip.. drip.. drip..

i forgot to take a pic of the pail and the cardboard wrapped in a plastic bag.

the pail is to collect the water.. and the cardboard serves as a shield.

sigh.

so much of interesting stories, kan?

drama queen.

numbered.

you count the days.
you count the weeks.
you count the years.
you wait.
and wait.
and wait.

'secrets'

i wonder what people will think of me if i really ..... yes, i am driven by what people think of me, to a certain extend, even though nowadays i always say that i don't really care. whatever.

i am not in my right mind. maybe because i am right-handed and therefore left brain dominant.
what the crap. i am talking nonsense.

i am being too rational and i think too much. and because of this gift, i am always afraid to take risks. and therefore cutting off my spontaneity.

i hate food poisoning.

i don't want to give up so soon but i don't know how to carry on.

we are all drama queens.

and i miss you. you were in my dreams.

the point.

i have reached a point where i am trying to figure out how the heck am i going to continue my life in that place.

i am kind of getting sick of that place. sick of that job. sick of living that kind of life.

like i told you, i don't think i can do what i wanted to do or be what i wanted to be.

half a year doing that job in that place has really pushed me to the cliff and i don't know how to move on - to jump and die together with the students and the whole system, or to retreat and get out from that place and do what i am really interested in...

and stop being the shadow of someone else's life, doing things i thought i could do.

people kept asking me about life in that place, whether i have gotten used to life there or not... i know they meant well but in my heart, i really wanted to tell them straight at their face - please stop asking me that question because life there sucks and you know nothing about that place and i don't want to repeat the terrible tale about that freaking place. i am angry, i am pissed off and this feelings is amplified many fold when i see how awesome life is back at this side of my world. period.

ah, come on!

i want out

sometimes i just don't care.

back in Ipoh!

After 12 hours of traveling with a good one hour break in Coffee Bean with ajw, finally i reached home at about 6.30pm yesterday. And the Ipoh air smells really good! *screams and jumps like a mad fellar*

It's so good to see tall buildings, wide highways, normal cars, etc etc etc. Like what i told some of them -- the feeling of reconnecting with 'civilisation' is beyond description. No offense when i mentioned the word civilisation. haha. until now i am still trying to explain to my self what exactly i am feeling at this point of time. When i was in the bus going back from the airport -- it's like my heart was shouting

'
this is where i belonged to ....

i am supposed to live a few years of my life in a place like this..

and not spending them in a faraway land without this, without that .....'

*ok, i think i was possessed and taken over by the insane jiaaaa when those lines came out from the brain cells* please try to understand how pissed i can get at times.

anyway, i am glad that another quarter of the year is gone. thank God. a few more months to go and i will be done with my year one in that freaky place. i took pictures of the toilet in my flat and i shall show you all some time later.

half a year -- i realised some things.....

1. how big the gap between this side of the world and that side of the world is.
2. i am not altruistic and i cannot be like that.
3. at times, i couldn't care less.
4. i chose to go for posting and that's why i ended up there.
5. i think too highly of my self. i don't think i can be what i wanted to be or do what i wanted to do.
6. i am slowly giving up.
7. i want to do something else. seriously.

Ok, probably the above are reasons why teachers get to have a long mid year break and a long year end break. hahaha :P