that's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge.
This is what your ego does.
It keeps you feeling separate,
keeps you with a sense of duality,
tries to convince you
that you're flawed and broken and alone
instead of whole.
~Eat Pray Love~
***
where have all the good times gone?
***
what would you do if you knew that your emotions are eating you from the inside out?
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Why am I doing this to myself. Losing my mind on a tiny error. I nearly left the real me on the shelf. To lose it all in the blur of the start. Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. It's okay not to be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are.
~Who you are, Jessie J Cornish
This is what your ego does.
It keeps you feeling separate,
keeps you with a sense of duality,
tries to convince you
that you're flawed and broken and alone
instead of whole.
~Eat Pray Love~
i should stop listening to that voice in me that is pushing me to be a hero and be all self-sacrificial, blatantly disregarding what i am feeling, what i am going through. That voice has the support of the pro-calling allies. i began to realize that it's my ego that forced me through the years.. the ego that says to me that this jia can do all that is required of her... 'send me and i will go...'
in a way, it's like i'm choosing my own sacrifices.. i thought i can do it, i can see myself through. and in the end, i got slaps on my face and my cheeks are red like tomatoes... i failed. and then this ego tries to convince me to stay put with where i am, giving me all sorts of reasons and justifications.. so that i will choose to stay and not be ridicule by people who will laugh at my failure to pull through the teaching stint. This is like a huge revelation to me when i was on the way back from Tawau airport to LD almost 3 weeks ago.
in a way, it's like i'm choosing my own sacrifices.. i thought i can do it, i can see myself through. and in the end, i got slaps on my face and my cheeks are red like tomatoes... i failed. and then this ego tries to convince me to stay put with where i am, giving me all sorts of reasons and justifications.. so that i will choose to stay and not be ridicule by people who will laugh at my failure to pull through the teaching stint. This is like a huge revelation to me when i was on the way back from Tawau airport to LD almost 3 weeks ago.
***
where have all the good times gone?
i know the best is yet to come. those are just good times.
but given such a sentimental melancholic like me, most of the time is spent on reminiscing the past. big chunk on worrying about the future. only a pinch of it is rooted in the present.
how pity that can be!
but given such a sentimental melancholic like me, most of the time is spent on reminiscing the past. big chunk on worrying about the future. only a pinch of it is rooted in the present.
how pity that can be!
***
what would you do if you knew that your emotions are eating you from the inside out?
i was driving back from town this afternoon. driving alone is like taking a dive into the swimming pool. the mood plunges deep down into the waters like some professional divers, just that the mood doesn't quite know how to work its way back to the surface.
****I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Why am I doing this to myself. Losing my mind on a tiny error. I nearly left the real me on the shelf. To lose it all in the blur of the start. Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. It's okay not to be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are.
~Who you are, Jessie J Cornish
2 comments:
where do you get all these awesome poems? I like the poem above also! About eyes layered with ice.
Been wanting to comment but was never free enough to type on my office computer. heh now study week so can!
This reminds me of that 'feeling'. When I literally walked away from God, the battle was scary and the nagging, not un-like yours was 'what if I didn't tried hard enough, what if I was too stubborn or foolish or blind to see? How can something so good be bad for me? In short I was making myself broken so that it can be an excuse to still be a 'good' Christian, whatever my twisted distorted sense of ego is implying and to still put up with people and situations that hurt me, to think that I hurt because it was my fault, my inability.
I remember reading this book "where is God when it hurts" by Philip Yancey.
And it went along the lines where we feel pain because it's the way of our body telling us that it is in danger of real harm. Like when we pull away by reflex when we touch a burning surface. Without the ability to sense pain we will kill ourselves, quite literally.
Then it dawned upon me, (and this realization also took months to be acceptable in my ego driven,superwoman, charismatic riddled head) if doing this hurts me so much, isn't it a sign that this is NOT for me?
To be honest, if given a choice of being here and going back and be who I was before, a Christian, sprouting scriptures and tongues, raising hands and being slain at the altar, sitting in care groups and what not. I'd rather be here, where my ego is cutting me lots of slack, and I understand I don't have to be perfect to be whole.
You don't have to be perfect either, Perfection is God's business. You only need to be well. :)
ps: I got KEM BINA NEGARA this weekend. lesigh.
AND I <3 you just the way you are! XOXOXO.
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