lest i forget.

Soon, this year is coming to an end.

The past one month has been crazily busy! CRAZY!!!!

Looking at the analysis of the results for F2 Maths final exam, i couldn't believe i have made it through another year with tonnes and tonnes of hard work, sweat and tears. And indeed, there's reward at the end of the race. i must say that i am pretty impressed with my self. :)

"be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God,
failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.
Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down,
and when your herds and flocks grow large
and gold increase and all you have is multiplied,
then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God,
who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."
Deut 8:13-14

There were many opportunities to push myself to do more this year.

In this final week of school, i guess there's no better time to rethink and reflect on all that i have gone through.

it's been a fruitful year. and i know i have really done my very best in everything that i laid hand upon.

*great experience in Kuching for basketball competition. that was one of the most exciting times of the year where there's adrenaline pump everyday for one whole week.

*extra maths classes for the E Gang that bore fruit where all of them went from an E (fail) to at least a C, one even went from E to A. Ok la, except one boy la, he failed ALL his maths paper this year, oh poor thing. Anyway, it feels good to see their eyes lightened up when they got their maths papers. And it feels even better when they came back to thank you before they leave school for holiday.

*f4 bio - during Sept test, i scolded (this is an overstatement) a boy who got 7 out of 40 objective questions correct. i told him if he were to do this again, he is going to TELAN the OMR paper. And guess what, he passed his bio paper this time and improved a whole lot in other subjects too! Oh gosh. it's pretty unbelievable. well, i am glad that he put in effort to make things better for himself.

*f5 bio - i have really done all that i could. it's up to God to make things work. i have to remind myself that whatever the outcome is, it cannot be my fault anymore. Simply because i have done my best to teach them, to do extra classes, to meet some of them for 'private' tuition.

*Borneo Jungle School - what a great experience living in the jungle! A sakai like me have seen so little of the real world. The best moment - standing in the dark, all torch-lights were off, all you see is the starry night with all those weird weird sounds of insects.

*The sacrificial cow - that was the first time i saw how people slaughter a cow for Ibadah Qorban. And funny as it is, i kinda turned it into a science lesson while the adults are butchering the cow. I didn't know that the trachea of a cow is as big as the pipe that is fixed at the washing machine for the water to flow out. The best thing, haha.. the heart of the cow. For this i know why i identify so much with Cristina in Grey's.

Of course, not to forget the great times spent traveling around.. March Kundasang-Sandakan-LD trip, April-August Sandakan trip, April KK trip... with friends coming to visit.. blah blah blah.. :)

It's not just a bed of roses. i just don't feel like wasting time to count those thorns.

And tomorrow, i have one more assignment to do - kursus in semporna. hehe.

Enough of typing for the day!

we have worked really hard

i have worked really hard

to be where i am today;

it may not be 'physically',

but it's definitely

mentally and emotionally.

***

i watched a show, and there's this one part where the guy went for a drink with his friends. His friends were all businessman - either have or are starting their own business. Yet, this guy was just a paramedic, a civil servant. Well, his friends always commended him for having such a noble profession that could save the lives of people. Secretly, he was jealous of his friends because he had always wanted to start his own business and be a boss instead of being bossed around. He was jealous because his friends seems to have a better and more prestigious job, etc. Being a paramedic is not in his plans for life! He got entangled into this job because he needed money and he needed to prove something to his family.

To cut the long story short, something happened and made him realized that he actually enjoyed being a paramedic. And from then on, he decided to continue in this profession that he may save more lives....

***

This guy changed his mind. Was it because he has gotten comfortable with his job? Or was it because he has really found the true meaning as a paramedic, the joy of saving lives, the strength to carry on even if the patient dies?

***

the many similarities

and yet

one thing i see,

we have worked really hard

to be where we are today.

#16

get over it.

and move on.

there's no time to waste.

blink blink*

i need some photography outings to make my life slightly more colourful.

Let's trade shoes

I am pretty fed up with this certain thing that happens every now and then.

I have always walked the second mile. I dare not say for 'all situations in my life', but at least many of them. I try not to be calculative when it comes to carrying out the task given. I will do my best to get them all done as the way you wanted it. If a certain people couldn't get theirs done, I'm fine with you asking me to help out. That's because Someone walked and is still walking the second mile for me and my conscience tells me that it's good to help people and I still have an able body and I just want the whatever event we are working on goes well in the end of the day and we can all go back happily.

This mindset works for one time. two times. three times. four times.

There will come a time where it takes such a huge effort to think that way.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

You always get your job done, on time, near perfection or nothing less than that, because you feel that leaving behind crap for someone else to clean up is a bad thing to do. And yet, you are the one always cleaning up other people's crap.

The good person next to you tell you that you should just do the same like them. Why care so much when no one give a darn about you when you are busy cleaning other people's crap?

You know there's truth in that short speech but because of conscience, you couldn't stoop down to that level. That filthy level of leaving behind unfinished business for the next person to suffer. And yet, you also couldn't come to terms with your altruistic behaviour.

You suffer.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

There's many hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] people around who will get their job done on time. They will even cover for you if you couldn't finish yours. But of course, it's better that you can get yourself away from those task. Avoid here avoid there. Best way to avoid, simply do so that next time no one dares to ask you to do anything. SAVED!

Well, if you are that unlucky, like what you read earlier - simply do lar! Just go and show your face a bit, arrange some pots and chairs, and then disappear right away so that no one can catch you and order you to make things look nicer and better. Leave those to the hardworking [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics].

You don't care what others say. You don't care if they say you are sluggish, lazy, etc. You don't care, because in the end, you still get paid more or less the same as those dumb-dumbs.

Why make your life so miserable when you can opt for the more relaxed one?

Conscience? What's conscience? Some years down the road, sure you have ample time to amend those 'misdeeds'. Most important is, at this moment you are happily receiving your pay with a lousy performance any tom-dick-and-harry can give.

Let's trade shoes.

~~~

At the end of the day, we all sit at the meeting table.

You will ask, "What are the strengths and weaknesses of the program?"

Then someone will say, "All of us give full cooperation throughout the preparation for the event and therefore the event went on smoothly. We all worked with each other very well."

COOPERATION TOP LEVEL

because we the hardworking ones [read: dumb timid 'skema' workaholics] cleaned up those useless people's crap.

Happy ending.

the Hills are alive.

I have this picture hanging on the wall of my Shack. And I think it gives me the calmness i need.

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept [certain] things as they are, despite the rage that is growing within us like wild fire, enough to consume everything that crosses our path.

It feels terrible to know that you are put on the same weighing scale and you weigh the same as those useless people who are not even worth mentioning about. You are all selected. I don't understand how some people can be so dumb. Or they just act dumb and have no sense of responsibility, accountability.. and maturity.

The long hours of waiting in the airport two weeks ago made me end up with Frank McCourt's Teacher Man. Half way through and there's quite a lot of things he wrote about which hit home.

*

上有天， 下有地， 中间有良心。

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

#15

Beyond Description.

taken on the 4th September 11

on the way back to LD

what a wreck.

trains of thoughts going through my mind.

we are living in a big lie.

i am such a mess.

***

i don't know what else to expect in life.

i don't want to talk myself into believing something that is unlikely to happen.

what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

one year and eight months.

Agnes Keith House in Sandakan.

In the end I learned that it isn't the outward circumstances which determines what one can endure, but something in oneself which either breaks, or stays intact, under strain. It isn't the difference in strain, it's the difference in tensile strength of people.

Agnes Newton Keith, Three Came Home,

pg 61-62

***

stress is building up.

and frustration is setting in.

i realised this change in me, that i couldn't express myself in words like how i used to do. not that i am very good at that, to start with. so whatever little that kind of ability i had, i'm now having even less.

Reading Three Came Home is like creating for myself another world. Diving into that world and see how they struggled through days of internment during WWII makes my THM life here seems like a trivial problem.

i wonder how they survived those days.

mine is kacang-putih in comparison to theirs.

yet, i also wonder how i survived one year and eight months, and still counting.

the tests on my tensile strength will keep on coming.

and i will keep calm and carry on.