what a wreck.

trains of thoughts going through my mind.

we are living in a big lie.

i am such a mess.

***

i don't know what else to expect in life.

i don't want to talk myself into believing something that is unlikely to happen.

what do you want?

Sandakan.

i was supposed to quit in june.

june left me with july. and july did the same thing to me and left me with august.

august. september.

any the many months to come.

how long more should i stay in this place?

i have been losing.. time after time. again and again.

Quitting would make me even a bigger loser, besides losing some great friends and the familiarity to life in this THM place.

And perhaps it's better for one to stay where she is when she's in a state of confusion over what she really wants in life.

"What is your passion?"

"I don't know."

"No, I think you know. It's in your heart, you know."

She knows me too well. She's right.

I know.

It's just that i'm trying to ignore it.

**

A relative passed away two weeks ago. it is a great loss to me personally and it's a regret that i don't have the chance to be there to bid goodbye. and her last words to me through my mum was 'keep on praying'. and that was during this year's chinese new year.

She had fought the good fight, completed the race and kept the faith.

***

and i have strayed a little bit too far.

one year and eight months.

Agnes Keith House in Sandakan.

In the end I learned that it isn't the outward circumstances which determines what one can endure, but something in oneself which either breaks, or stays intact, under strain. It isn't the difference in strain, it's the difference in tensile strength of people.

Agnes Newton Keith, Three Came Home,

pg 61-62

***

stress is building up.

and frustration is setting in.

i realised this change in me, that i couldn't express myself in words like how i used to do. not that i am very good at that, to start with. so whatever little that kind of ability i had, i'm now having even less.

Reading Three Came Home is like creating for myself another world. Diving into that world and see how they struggled through days of internment during WWII makes my THM life here seems like a trivial problem.

i wonder how they survived those days.

mine is kacang-putih in comparison to theirs.

yet, i also wonder how i survived one year and eight months, and still counting.

the tests on my tensile strength will keep on coming.

and i will keep calm and carry on.

i took a short break from school.

waiting for orang utan.

4 days plus in the jungle was really awesome.

the trip was tiring but yet there was so much fun. morning afternoon night - jungle trekking, jungle trekking and more jungle trekking. every day our activities started at 6 and ended at 9-ish. no time was wasted and it was all packed with activities, one after another.

it was really an eye opener. the japanese culture - the way they teach and learn. and the rainforest - it is really beautiful and fill with life. what amazed me was there are many weird looking insects and animals - some look like centipedes but they are actually millipedes. *_*

and i got my leech certificate from BRL - for donating my blood to the tiger leech.

:)

this is about after an hour. fatty greedy tiger leech!

overall, it's really a great experience :)

you and me

among the others.

*i will be away for 5 days, deep in the jungle.*

this moment

it's like standing on one of the rocks

and super-undecided which is the next one to jump onto.

is it possible

i have a lot of things running through my mind.

i was thinking about the risk.

and i wished i could let my [inner] self speak.

but i don't think that can ever be possible.

#14

There was a day that I could sit face to face with you
Now that I'm away, I can't sleep the night through
Remember the time in your kitchen with wine
Dancing to the tunes of our blues

I'm going out, I'm gonna make a name for me and you
They can never say I never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

I know your vices and those are your choices
and I want to be there for you
This blaze of sunrise is burning in my eyes
And I want them to burn here with you

I do

I'm going out, I'm gonna make a name for me and you
They can never say I never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

I tried my best just to hide this away
but the earth cracks hard in Californ-i-a
and the earthquakes are giving me away

It's just not true, 'cause I care for you

- Make A Name for Me and You, Rachael Cantu

that's me trying

Green turtle hatchling.

i have been trying very hard to make things work.

but the harder i try, the more i fear.

this is really sickening.

The rough weeks after The Turtle Trip.

Chagar Hutang, Gloomy Morning with turtle trails

i have been working 6 days a week for 3 consecutive weeks.

long hours of meetings.

night classes.

the-very-terrible-bio and the-terrible-maths results.

after-school activities.

i thought of the mama turtles.

and i know i must press on, in whatever i am doing and planning to do.

i won't let you bring me down.