vanity

from my 'tower of heaven'.

and so there's this fear in me that i will end up nothing. 

i do not know how to explain that.

"Live. I don't know, I think you're either born simple or you're born... me. I wanna be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress, I wanna be simple, 'cause no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl." Cristina Yang.

i want to be simple. and i just want to live a simple life.

why must things get so complicated?

i tried to be kind to my self. but i ended up asking, "why should i?"

i do well because of who i am, not what they made me to be. 

how long can i continue doing that when the people around me see that as nothing. 

i don't know what i want to do. what i want to be. where i want to go. how i want to live this life. 

i think this is partly the consequences of being too serious with life as a teacher in a public school in this country. 

i have been denied so many opportunities throughout my life and i don't know how to ask any more. it's something like, i have lost the appetite for life. 

please tell me it's not my fault that i cannot be like those teachers who always have positive thoughts towards almost everything in life.