the log

every time i look at this picture, the EPOP is always registered
in my left brain as PEOPLE.

when i complain to my friends about my life and my job, the students, the colleagues, the injustice, the unfairness... etc, i always say the same thing ~

i don't care, i couldn't be bother,...

i did care. and i still secretly care. because that is who i am.

i guess it's some kind of protection, like a hermit crab having its own shell to retreat into. i got my hopes all so high up there and it only took some miserable months, if not weeks, to have it all shattered. i cared too much. i am driven by performance, fueled by a certain amount of self-motivation. but now i am gravely disappointed. forgive me that i lived in the other side of my world for the past 24 years. i know the difference between these two sides of my world is big but i didn't know that it is so great. forgive me for being so shallow in my thinking. then i was enlightened that each of us has our niche. teachers have their own niche. some are suited to teach spoilt brats; some, cute and at the same time annoying kindergarten kids; some primary school kids; some, lower secondary; some, upper secondary; some, college kids. i think by now, you should understand what i am trying to say. i spent this year discovering that where i am at this point of my life as a teacher is not my niche. in short, i see myself as a misfit.

i am a misfit in this side of the world.

i am NOT saying it in a proud way with my flat nose touching the sky. don't judge me. in fact, this state as a misfit throws me into deep seas and i am struggling to find a log, anything, to keep me afloat. this log is like the happenings in school that somehow helped to make me feel better - things like, taking pictures for school events; talking with students about life experiences, memorable quotes (asking them to share their favourite lines from a long quote), latest hit songs (english songs of course), autopsy, and sometimes religion, instead of things in the maths, science and bio textbook; the country, the politics, the society. the log is good. but i need a ship/rescue helicopter to lift me up and out from the sea.

so, while holding on to the log waiting for my ship, i formulated a way of protection from disappointments and hurts - i learn to care less, or pretend to care less, or repress my urge to care, whatever way you want to describe it as. i work because you pay me. i carry out my duties and responsibilities because you pay me. my log, how i am desperately holding on to my dear log and constantly i try to create opportunities to do what the log represents.

that's how i survived and am still surviving. sad to say, i have never been (and can never be) fully committed to the school because it sucks and the system sucks. the whole organisation sucks. to my students, it's a partial yes and no. now you can call upon the lightnings and zap me to my core!

to many others, teaching is like a bed of roses - you work half day, get paid more than 2k (with allowance), oh-so-many-holidays, go-there-just-teach-only-whatttt.... occasionally, you mark some exam papers, mark some homework, attend some meetings.. oh so easy-bissy...

i think they have forgotten that roses have thorns.

and you get thorns in the flesh.

there are good moments, needless to say. but i can't ignore those thorns.

i don't hate teaching although i hate my job. it's just that it's not my niche. i want to get out from this bed of roses and find my niche. somewhere i can really function properly. yeah, i think properly is the word.

i am grateful when there are people who truly understand what it means and how it feels.